Lindsay (00:00)
When we think about some of the most common quote unquote relationship poisons out there, like criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling or shutting down, it is really common that we automatically think of the ones that our person does. Of course, that makes so much sense because these are the things that you are on the receiving end of, the things that impact you, that hurt you, that don't feel good, the things that you wish would change.
And the truth is, when I name those three things, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness, I have not met one person who doesn't have a pattern of at least one of those things. So today we are going to talk about a little bit more of what's under each of those umbrellas and also how you can turn towards your own patterns with so much love and compassion so that you can actually start to see change and even see your
Persons patterns change as well. I am Lindsay. This is Loving with Intention. Let's just dive right in. So we are in, week three and a half of Rise, which is my men's group coaching program that once runs twice a year. And we have five incredible men inside who are diving in, doing the work, seeing wins already. my gosh, it is, yeah, it is a powerful group. I'm obsessed. It's so much fun. So the next one will be in 2027.
And I'm already excited for it. I mean, rewind, be in the moment. And I'm super excited. I love these groups. And also in my weekly momentum calls. their group coaching. It is men, women, couples. People come live or they just watch the replays. You're totally anonymous when you're there live. And these are just one hour calls every week where we I answer questions, I workshop things, we deep dive into things.
And within Rise and within Momentum and with my private coaching clients, we are often talking about these relationship poisons. So in the very first session that I do in programs and with clients, we go through a list of 71 relationship poisons. And we want to bring in so much love around these things because yes, we're calling them quote unquote relationship poisons because they do harm our relationships and ourselves. And we also call them unhealthy strategies to get beautiful, valid.
Needs met, unhealthy strategies that we all have. So just highlighting those three that I pointed out, criticism. So that might look like, you know, pointing out things that your partner is doing, quote unquote, wrong. It could look like blame. It could look like judgment. It could look like thinking you know more than your person does. It could look like using the words always or never. So that's under the critical umbrella. And then we've got defensiveness. So this could look like
You know, explaining yourself, justifying yourself, saying I only did this because or I'm sorry, but this could also look like invalidating the other person's feelings. And then we have stonewalling or shutting down. So this can look like the silent treatment where you are intentionally being silent to either prove a point or to punish your partner or hurt them, or you're stonewalling where you are so physiologically flooded that you find yourself.
maybe in the middle of an argument and you can't even speak, you're not even talking because you're in this freeze state. Or it could be, you know, using tiredness as an excuse to check out, withdrawing, shutting down. So in those three umbrellas, I am guessing if you look inward and get compassionately curious, you can recognize a pattern there for yourself.
And of course, while we want our person stuff to change, this really is where we have the power to change things.
And the piece that I want to talk about today is this invitation to turn towards your own patterns with so much love and so much compassion. Because when we identify these things, it can bring up a lot of feelings like guilt or shame or hurt or sadness, recognizing, you know, where this came from, or it can bring up
Overwhelm or stress, self-judgment, all of these things make so much sense. Of course, we don't want to be doing unhealthy patterns. We don't want to be hurting our partners. We, like I said, if you're reflecting and seeing, like, I know where this came from, I saw my mom do this, or this is what my dad did when I was little. So that can bring in a sense of sadness that, now I'm carrying out the same pattern. And when we have those feelings, which make all the sense in the world.
When we are judging ourselves for these patterns, it that can show up as a roadblock in changing things. So turning towards the judgment with compassion and recognizing that we use these relationship poisons when we are dysregulated. So, you know, I talk about our nervous systems in probably every single momentum call, every single rise call, every single private coaching call, because our nervous systems are running the show. So
Your thoughts are created by the state of your nervous system. If you are regulated and calm and open for connection, your thoughts are going to be very different than if you are dysregulated. So if you are in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, the thoughts that are created in those states look very different than calm regulated thoughts.
If I am sitting with my husband and we are laughing and we've had a great day and we're having a good time and I'm sitting here and the house is clean and we've done our stuff for the day and we know we're gonna relax for the night, my thoughts they feel good. They feel good. And then just imagine I get a text that says, I need to talk to you.
There's no context. There's no emojis. And if there are no emojis, are we fighting already? I am wondering. And I see that text. I may have a nervous system reaction in that moment because my nervous system is always looking to keep me safe. And when I am calm and regulated, having these wonderful thoughts, I don't have a worry, I don't have a care in the world. And then I see this text. So maybe I glance over, I see the text, I get a little bit of tightness in my chest.
And I'm like, ugh. And I have this feeling. And then maybe I just want to stay in this moment, but I flip over my phone because I don't want to deal with that right now. I want to stay in this moment. We're having fun. I turn back towards my husband. But now he can sense that something's off because my thoughts, my reactions, the way that I'm showing up in this moment are now impacted by the state that my nervous system has just gone into.
So maybe I've gone into a bit of flight, like I want to run away from the problem. Maybe I've gone into a bit of freeze. So I am kind of numbing out, shutting down, worried. And from those places, my thoughts, my actions, everything that I do now is different because I'm dysregulated. I am no longer just easy breezy having a good time. I am in a new state which affects everything. Everything. And I might not even recognize.
That I am in that state. You know, I said I got the text and maybe my chest got tight, and then I flipped over the phone
For a lot of people, maybe most people, we just breeze past those body cues that we get because it literally happens in a split second. I'm laughing, I see the text, maybe I know, uh-oh, I'm worried, but it's likely that you wouldn't recognize that tightness in your chest. Or if you did, that you wouldn't register it as I'm going from regulated to dysregulated, because your nervous system's going, we have a threat now.
We gotta turn on the dysregulation to protect you. Because if there was a quote unquote real threat, like a dangerous threat, like a bear walking into the living room, my I would need my nervous system to kick into action because I don't want to be easy, breezy, relaxed, and calm and just enjoying the moment. I don't want to reach out and pet the fuzzy bear in that moment. I want my nervous system to go, Lindsay.
We are not safe right now. You need to, you know, get big or make a lot of noise. And you're not going to think to do those things when you are super regulated. So we're kicking you into dysregulation. So I don't notice in that moment that I've now gone into dysregulation, but everything that follows is shaped from that nervous system state.
And maybe I leave the phone upside down. And then maybe my husband and I end up getting into an argument because now I'm being off.
So just moments ago I was regulated and having that easy breezy good time. And now I am dysregulated and I am not having so much fun anymore.
And bringing it back to this judgment piece that can block us if we have this self-judgment around these patterns. This is where we get to bring in so much love because if we zoom out, we can see that these harmful patterns that we do in our relationships, it is our nervous system reacting. And then we are using protective, unhealthy strategies to try to get our needs met in those moments, to try to come back into safety in those moments. The thing is that we just all learn unhealthy strategies to actually.
Do that. And we all do. We all do. And this is where we can bring in like collective love and collective compassion around this. So when we can see this as, I see you, nervous system. I see you for trying to keep me safe. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. And this is something that I want to work on. I want to learn new, healthier patterns in those moments. I want to start to recognize when you are getting dysregulated so that I can do something.
about it in those moments and I can care for you, sweet nervous system. I can take care of you and bring us back, help bring myself back into regulation.
The key here is really being able to see these things through a lens of compassion. And of course, when we can do that for ourselves, we can do that for a person too. Because we're all out here doing relationship poisons. And when you can see yours as the unhealthy strategies to get beautiful valid needs met that they are, you can start to see that, my person's doing the same thing that I'm doing. It might look different, they might use different strategies, but we're all using strategies and that's what this is.
It doesn't make it okay. And we can bring in compassion around it because when we start to look under the surface to what those needs are or what those wounds are that are getting triggered, what our nervous system is reacting to, when we can start getting really curious about that stuff, then we can change it. And it can be really hard to get curious about that stuff if we are in judgment or blame or self-blame.
So we get to bring in so much love. And this is why getting so familiar with and talking about our nervous systems is so very, very, very important. And if you don't already have the roadmap, grab it in the show notes. It is a 17-page free guide. It is very pretty. If I haven't mentioned that in a while, it's gorgeous. I love it. I made it myself. No AI. So
You can check it out. And the third pillar of my love journey process is nervous system love. And it is going to give you a starting place to work on your nervous system to start to recognize those cues. Because when we can actually feel that tightness in our chest, the flip flop in our stomach, the tight jaw, whatever your nervous system cues are, when you can start to notice those happening and know that that is what's happening, you can do something very different in those moments, like
Pause, take some deep breaths, use some bilateral tapping. So I talk about that in the guide so that you can have different outcomes and you don't go right into dysregulation where you're going to show up, where you're more likely, most likely, to show up with these unhealthier patterns. Unhealthier? And then and then we can shift and change them. So definitely grab the guide. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. You can always reach out, Lindsay at loving withintentioncoach.com. That is in the show notes too.
And if you've been loving the podcast, I would so appreciate a five-star rating or review. I appreciate you being here so much. We are over 100 episodes, which is the absolute coolest. And I am so grateful to have you in the Loving with Intention community to get to be here with you and to talk about all these things that I love so much and to just be on the journey with you. The journey is so much more fun together. So thank you so much. I'm sending so much love into your day. And just remember,
That nothing changes if nothing changes. So let's have a super intentional week and bring in so much love and so much self-compassion. Okay. Bye.
