Lindsay (00:00)
I honestly don't know if I have ever been this fired up about sharing a client win before. I am so excited about this. I just filmed a YouTube video, filmed, that sounds very fancy, recorded a YouTube video for the men's channel about this one, and I want to come and share this here. So one of the men that I work with shared a win with me. He's working on his marriage without his wife on board, and I was just literally bouncing in my chair when I got the message.
It's not that the win was any better than any other client win. It's what the win represents as a whole that feels so important to celebrate and to share. I am Lindsay and this is Loving with Intention. Let's dive right in. Because whether you are a man or a woman, this will help you make real lasting change in your marriage. I know it will. So we're just gonna call this man Mike so it is easier to talk about.
And his win, so it actually involved his daughter, but as you will see, many wins with his wife led to this moment, this win. So he messaged me that he'd had a conversation with his daughter, and she was telling him about a really frustrating experience she's having. And from her tone and her demeanor, he was able to see what she needed as she shared with him. He validated her and they had a really great conversation. That alone is a massive win.
He saw underneath what she was sharing and looked for her needs
So that is brilliant. And it is this next part that had me bouncing in my chair. He said, and I quote, this wonder and look under was not conscious nor intuitive. It was instead automatic and rapid. That has not happened before. Are you feeling the significance of this with me too? This is this hadn't happened before.
Him being able to stay regulated, to respond in healthy ways, that is now becoming automatic. This conversation was more than just a nice talk with a loved one. It is truly a shining reflection of his efforts and his intention through our work together. He is amazing. So stick with me because I'm gonna take you through how he got to this place.
Because when it comes to the cycles that you get in with your spouse, those are currently automatic. Bickering, arguing back and forth, trying to explain yourself, well, they just get more and more upset. Or maybe it's not arguments, but there's shutting down, ending the conversation, there's the roommate vibe, all of these patterns, they are currently the automatic patterns. You can actually change this. And here's how. in the beginning of our work together, when he chose to go all in,
He would have frustrating conversations with his wife and then we would explore those conversations in sessions later using the tools and using a new lens. As we did this, in the session there, he could then see the patterns that were running between him and his wife. So there were opportunities to wander and look under, there were relationship poisons they were both using,
There were the moments where either of them were getting dysregulated or were just fully dysregulated, and what that actually meant for the conversation. This place is where most clients start. This is where we start bringing the unconscious to the conscious. We are all unconsciously experiencing so many thoughts and patterns and beliefs and experiences throughout the day.
Just like when you're driving home from work, you're not thinking about every little gear shift or stopping at a red light or putting your blinker on. You're just in that experience and doing it on autopilot. But if you actually stop and think about each step, like each and everything that you actually do in that car, then you're bringing that to your awareness. Many people, maybe most, will leave arguments with their spouses and think she just wouldn't stop going on and on about the same thing. She just kept nagging me or
He just shuts down when I bring anything up, but they don't see much more than that. Of course, because we never learn any of this stuff, and it feels really upsetting when we're in it. So bring this back to Mike, who really represents so many clients. As we moved along in the work, we would be in a session and he'd now be sharing how he was inside a frustrating conversation with his wife, and he had the awareness of what was happening in the moment.
He could feel himself getting dysregulated or see a relationship poison and actually know that's what it was and what that meant. And even though he had the awareness in the moment, he still often repeated the same old patterns. So the key here is that awareness doesn't instantly equal behavior change. You have done the same old patterns in your marriage so many times, it's like the default. If you are someone who tends to shut down,
That's less of a choice and more of a nervous system reaction, a protective strategy to your nervous system. Shutting down has kept you alive when there is a threat until this point in your life. So it seems like a really good idea to just keep shutting down.
These relational threats, it could be criticism or defensiveness, or your wife bringing up hurt feelings, your husband feeling really frustrated about something on the weekend. These are all relational threats where your nervous system goes, I need to protect you. Let's do the same old thing that has always worked. So we truly need more than just awareness. In our sessions, we continued processing these conversations. We role-play what it could look like in a future conversation, where he replaces the old pattern with something new.
We practice wonder and look under again and again. We run the reps outside of highly triggered moments, starting to actually form these new neural pathways and new patterns. And what comes next is he comes to sessions and he's telling me about a conversation that started to go sideways, but he paused. He took a few deep breaths. He had curiosity, compassion, he wandered and looked under. He consciously chose a new behavior in that moment. How?
Cool is this. It is so incredible to get to witness this
I have so many clients who have told me there's that moment where they pause and in their head they're like, Lindsay said to do something here. And even if they can't remember what it is they're supposed to say or do, they are pausing and they are taking those deep breaths, which is so much goodness for their nervous systems in those moments.
So for Mike, he started actively changing the pattern inside the moment.
And quick side note, if you're wondering about Wonder and Look Under, wondering about Wonder and Look Under, love that. Grab the free Love Dirty Roadmap in the show notes because inside that guide, I break down this necessary tool in relationship growth, and you'll get your own personalized plan to dive into. There are people doing leaf blowing outside. I hope that is not too loud. So grab the roadmap for that. And then we are getting to his recent win, where he stayed regulated.
Validated, he wondered and looked under and had a loving, supportive conversation with his daughter. It actually wasn't a conscious choice in that moment. He said it was rapid and automatic, just like the old unhelpful reactions used to be. He is creating a new pattern
Through repeated practice, effort, and intention, healthier responses are becoming more automatic for him. And this isn't just with his daughter. This is from repeatedly working on this with his whole family, mainly his wife.
He is really doing it. And to be super clear, the goal isn't to stop running patterns. It is to intentionally create patterns that bring connection and allow you to show up and feel how you want to feel in your marriage. And it starts with making the unconscious conscious. Because first, you don't see the pattern at all. You leave the argument feeling frustrated and upset. And then with support and with tools and new ways to look at things, you see the pattern.
When you're reflecting on it after it is passed. Then you can take what you've learned, and inside the moment, you see the pattern happening, even if you don't change it. And then you consciously choose different in the moment, and eventually you don't even have to think about choosing anymore. It just starts to be your new pattern. Mike's effort and intention took him from going through the motions to knowing.
To actually embodying this work.
When I talk about bringing the unconscious to the conscious, this is such a big part of creating massive change. Just think of the ripple effect of this on his whole life. Doing this work, it creates healthier communication with your spouse, with your kids, your friends, your coworkers, your clients. It is honestly life changing. Mike has had amazing wins throughout our entire journey together, and it is such a gift to be part of all of it. And of course,
When things really click like this and become automatic, that doesn't mean it always stays that way. We get to keep recommitting to doing the work. We get to keep noticing these moments. And when we end up in old patterns, we get to again bring the unconscious to the conscious. And then we're really loving with intention. And we're not just loving with intention when we finally get to that point. You are loving with intention the entire way along when you're doing this work and when you are.
Being intentional in your marriage. I hope that Mike's story can bring you some hope, some inspiration, and a deeper understanding of what change can look like over time. I know it can be so easy to give up on doing the work when it feels like nothing is changing. And sometimes the change actually is happening without you even knowing it. In these shifts in awareness and in how you show up, change is happening and it's creating the ripple effect in your marriage and your family. So I'm celebrating Mike so much here on.
Podcast here on YouTube and of course in our chat, just him and I, and I'm celebrating you for listening and for being here. And I thank you so much for being here. If you've been loving the podcast, I would so appreciate a five-star rating and review. Helps get the podcast into more hearts. I am sending so much love into your day. Remember to grab that roadmap out of the show notes so you can become a wonder and look under master. And just remember that nothing changes if nothing changes.
So let us have a super intentional week.
