Lindsay (00:00)
Validation is the topic of the day today. And I mean, really, it could be the topic of the day every day because it is so freaking important in our my gosh, there's the cutest little bird outside that has a little red head. That is so cute. So, anyways, my apologies. I'm just gonna keep going. We could talk about validation all long. It is
just that important in our relationships. my goodness, in our lives. Validation makes so much of a difference. And what I really want to dive into today is that often I know, I know there are men and women and couples who listen to this podcast. And I know that for a lot of men, they get the message to validate their wives. And often it kind of just stops at that. Like it just goes one way. She's upset, you validate her, then you're done.
Today I want to talk about what happens when you're both upset about the exact same situation, but for two totally different reasons.
we're talking about this today because I posted a video on my men's YouTube channel where I gave an example of a woman who was upset about something and the man validated her and it changed how the night went. And I just kind of left it at that in the video because I really wanted to highlight just the power validation in those moments. And in that example, the man wasn't upset. So I didn't go into what it that could then look like for them to both validate each other.
And I got a comment about that, which made so much sense because I know that there is a lot of messaging out there, like, men, just validate, validate, validate. And it's like, gosh, what about your feelings too?
So I wanted to kind of bring this here to the podcast for both men and women because it is so helpful to know what this can actually look like when you are both as frustrated and as hurt as the other person. And you're thinking, well, am I just supposed to validate? Or I don't want to validate because I'm not going to get validated. So I am Lindsay. This is loving with intention. Let's dive in.
I've already said the word validation like 15 times and we're just gonna keep saying it. So diving right in, I'm going to expand on the example that I gave in the original YouTube video, which was a wife made dinner, her husband was home an hour late, and he didn't call to let her know. He was tied up on a call with a client at work, so he couldn't call her. And then right after he got off that call, he jumped in the car and headed straight home. And then he walked in the door, and she was really upset because dinner was cold, she ate alone.
And he didn't call to let her know he was gonna be late. So the reality was that he couldn't call during that client meeting. So, you know, often side note here, we will talk about how it can be hard to see like how do I validate my spouse's feelings when reality is different than the feelings. When you know, the reality was I actually couldn't call. So she's upset and there's nothing that I could do about it.
The truth is, even it though that is the reality, her feelings still make sense. And the same would go vice versa. So we're going to get into that. we're gonna build on that example today because, like I said, in that example, the husband wasn't upset. But let's say he is. he's upset that she's upset because he's always on time. He always calls when he's late. This was the first time this has happened. So I just want you to picture this moment. he walks in and she's like, now dinner's cold, I ate alone.
I thought something happened to you. You don't even care enough to call me. And then on the other side of that, he's like, I was on a call with a client. I couldn't call. You're overreacting. I don't call one time and it is that big of a deal. It is just dinner. if you've ever been in a moment like this, you know that it's not gonna end well.
We've got both partners with wildly different experiences of the exact same situation. They're both frustrated at each other. They're both trying to get their points across in unhealthy ways. So she's criticizing him, she's telling him he doesn't care. He's criticizing her, he's dismissing her feelings, telling her she's overreacting. They both clearly disagree about how the other is feeling. So it can seem like there's no room for validation. But this is actually the perfect place for validation, and either person can go first.
So, you know, when I'm on my men's YouTube channel or now my new women's YouTube channel, the only reason I suggest that that person goes first, the man or the woman, is because that's who I'm speaking to on that channel. It does no good if I tell you that your husband or your wife is the one who has to go first because that won't help you at all. So you listening to this right now, how could you go first in this situation? Say if you were the husband, because this could go either way. But
What it requires is popping your stuff on a shelf for a moment, as I like to say, and really hearing your spouse. So hearing underneath the words, getting curious about their experience. just imagine it's you that couldn't call because you were late. that might sound like you saying, I know dinner's cold now. We didn't get to enjoy it together. So that part is reflecting back what your spouse said. And then you bring in that validation. It makes sense. You thought something happened to me when I didn't call, and I can totally see why you're upset after you made us dinner and then you had to eat it alone.
So it makes sense and I can see why. These are great validation words. And that piece where the person who cooked dinner said, you don't even care enough to call, every part of you might be screaming, Of course I care. I was literally stuck in a call and I couldn't call you. That is your truth. That is the truth. And you can actually still validate this. You can say, it makes sense that you thought I didn't care about your effort with dinner, about eating with you, about letting you know where I was.
Of course, that thought would come up. So noting in that, you're not saying you're right, I don't care. You are seeing things through their lens. You can see how that thought came up for them. And I am a big fan of adding on appreciation. So just noting, your stuff is still on the shelf just for now. this appreciation piece could sound like: I really appreciate that you make dinner every night and have it ready when I get home. I'm always starving.
I appreciate that you care about eating together as a family. I appreciate that you care about me being safe on the road. So all of that, the hearing, the validating, the empathizing, the appreciation, it's all speaking to your person's nervous system. It is saying you are safe, you are loved, you are seen, you matter. It breaks the pattern of you both fighting to be heard. And that is not where it ends.
When I'm working with couples, the next piece would be for the other person to share how it felt to hear you say all that and to add in anything that it felt like was missing. And then it's their turn to say to you, you walked in the door and I was upset with you right away instead of asking what happened, and I got really mad. It makes sense to me that you're upset right now because you really do always call. This is the first time this has happened,
And I can see why you'd feel frustrated that I'm just coming down on you right away when you show me in so many ways that you do care. So that is reflecting and validating and empathizing. Also adding in, I appreciate that you always call. I appreciate that you love to eat dinner together too. I appreciate how hard you work for our family. That appreciation bomb, we're throwing it on the end. And then from here, encouraging nice deep breaths all around, you both had very different experiences that are both completely valid through your maps of the world.
This is not about right or wrong or who should or shouldn't feel a certain way. You both feel the way that you feel. You both shared that in unhealthy ways because you're human and it happens. And now you're choosing to see each other.
For your person to validate you, they didn't have to say, you know, I see why you got home late and didn't call, so I shouldn't have been upset. They don't have to take their feelings back, and neither do you. It makes sense that both of you felt the things that you felt. The additional repair piece here would be apologizing for the hurtful tones and the things you both said. I'm sorry I said you were overreacting and said it's not a big deal that dinner's cold. I know how much effort you put in. I was wrong to raise my voice. And on the flip side of that,
I'm really sorry that I said you didn't care about me. I know you do. I shouldn't have raised my voice at you either. Often we think repair is just apologizing. It really encompasses so many things, often including validation. Imagine where the evening gets to go from here. What follows a kind of interaction like this looks a whole lot different than what follows an argument where you both stay in a place of only expressing yourselves without getting curious and hearing, validating, and appreciating the other.
And if you're like, it sounds like a lot of work to say all of that, yeah, it might be. It is work to change the pattern, to speak in ways that you're not used to, to learn the nervous system regulation, to actually be able to pause, breathe, and put your stuff on a shelf. And isn't it also work to keep arguing and then be miserable for the rest of the night or the week or the month or years? I have been there staying in that place of feeling miserable, and it cost me so much more.
To stay there than to do the work. It has taken intention to get where we are in our marriage, and it was the kind of intention that created upward spirals instead of downward ones, like it used to be. And you might be thinking, okay, so we both validate each other, cool, but my spouse or my partner isn't listening to this podcast right now. So I'm just gonna validate them and then they're gonna think they're right and it is going to end. This is such a valid concern. The work
can be so much easier when you're in it together and it is not impossible alone.
I have had both men and women clients happily, excitedly tell me that their spouse validated their feelings and their experiences because they had been modeling it in their marriage from our work together. When I say one person can be the change, I am not saying this is a one sided venture forever. I'm saying that your change creates change over time.
Time is passing anyway, so why not choose to show up in healthier ways while it does and then see what happens. And if we take this exact scenario today and follow the script and your spouse feels justified and the conversation ends, I honestly wouldn't be surprised. Most of us don't have this script to begin with. Before diving into all of this, I never knew these foundational relationship skills that deepen trust, emotional safety, and connection. I used to think I was such a good listener and I was so good at validating, and it my goodness, when I think back.
I definitely was not. And bless my heart for thinking that I was because I never learned it and I didn't even really know what it meant. So learning this stuff can just change the way that you show up so much. And I'm so grateful to just continue learning because my goodness, I learned new things all the time. And I'm like, how did I not know that? And when you learn more, I mean, every time I learn something new, it just shows me how much more there is. I mean, there's just endless things to learn.
So we really can keep learning and growing. And sometimes it can be really fun because you can really open up new possibilities that you didn't know were there or think that could be possible. So in this work, when you're doing it on your own, it doesn't mean that you just keep showing up and wait. You can also talk about things. So maybe the dust settles, you eat your dinner, and then you say, I am really sorry that I didn't call. I never want you to feel stressed like that, and I can see why you did. And
When I came in and you said I didn't care about you, that didn't feel great. I can see why you thought it for sure. And it really sucked to be on the receiving end of you raising your voice right when I walked in. It's that part that bothers me. Does that make sense? This is you sharing your feelings, sharing what hurt or didn't feel good in a really loving way. You're seeking to be known, to be seen. It's really helpful too to share the dream.
you say something like, next time you're upset, I'd love it if you asked me what happened, and also just let me know you're upset without saying I don't care. And again, these are relational skills. This isn't about tiptoeing around your spouse or babying your spouse. These skills show up in a thriving marriage, one that has trust, connection, physical and emotional safety and intimacy, playfulness, and so much more.
That dinner example, it could have ended in silence for the rest of the night or resentment that lingered for weeks. Instead, it becomes a couple who trusts each other more because they grew through the conflict.
That's the difference that it makes when you validate each other, when you both have different feelings around the same topic. It is not just your spouse feeling safe with you, it's you feeling safe with your spouse too. You choosing to validate them first because you're working on the skill. It can truly change your marriage. And remember, I would tell this to a man, I would tell this to a woman. So whoever I'm talking to right now, whoever's ears I am in, I am only suggesting that you go first because you are the one who is listening and you are amazing.
for this week.
I'm gonna keep bringing examples of how back and forth validation can look in really in real life. It can be really hard to see in the moment, but the more you practice this, the easier it becomes. It's also really helpful to be working on your nervous system too, so that you can slow down in those charge moments. Like I said, so you can put your stuff on the shelf.
I recommend grabbing my free love journey roadmap. It is in the show notes. I will give you a clear starting point with not only your nervous system, but for working on the rest of your marriage too.
That is our little validation chat for the day. Thank you so much for being here. If you have been loving the podcast, I would so appreciate a five star rating and review. You get to help this pod reach more hearts and be part of spreading the love ribbles in the world, which is so beautiful and so wonderful. And I'm so grateful that you are here. So I'm sending so much love into your day. And just remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. So head to the show notes, grab that roadmap if you haven't already, and let's have a super intentional week. Bye.
