Lindsay (00:00)
Today we're gonna start by looking at the main way that your spouse tends to react when they get triggered or upset with you or when tension shows up between you two. So do they go totally quiet? Do they stare straight ahead? Do they stare at the floor? Maybe they take like a really long time to respond. Do they get angry? Do they interrupt you? Maybe they criticize you. Maybe they start pointing out all the things that you do, quote unquote, wrong. Maybe they change the subject.
Or in the middle of the conversation, they start randomly cleaning or looking in the fridge or focusing on something else. Maybe they straight up just go to another room. Maybe they become like really apologetic, really reassuring, like they're trying to just make it all go away. There are so many more examples than what I have just said, but I'm guessing in one of those four categories, or just one of
the behaviors or reactions that I just said, you can see your spouse in one of those things. So that's where we're starting today. I am Lindsay. This is Loving with Intention. let's dive in. And also if you listen to the last episode that was a tender tender episode about grieving and my husband and I's relationship through grieving our kitty cat Barbage. I just appreciate you so much. I received some lovely messages.
And I'm just so grateful. So so grateful that this is the loving with intention community. And I can just share my heart and it can be met with love in such a safe space. So back to thinking about your spouse. There are again like lots more examples within those categories, but I am guessing that you can see one of those things that sounds like your spouse.
And it is usually really easy for all of us to name the ways that our spouses do react, of course, because those are the things that we wish they didn't do. Those are the things that upset us and hurt us, the things that hurt our marriages, the things that are really frustrating when we want to share our concerns or we have hurt feelings about something. These are the things that happen and we get that here we go again feeling because we know how that conversation tends to go.
So knowing how your spouse reacts is super important to identify that. And maybe even more important is identifying how you react when things go sideways,
When the individuals that I work with clearly identify both of their roles in the dynamic, this is where some of the biggest work starts. I mean, of course, the couples that I work with as well. And I know that for listeners of the podcast, I know actually there are some couples out there listening because you have let me know. So that's freaking amazing, I'm cheering you on. And I am guessing that the majority of listeners are listening without their spouse. So I am speaking to
All of you, but I do just want to highlight that the individuals that I work with, they do this work too. And some, yeah, some of the biggest work it starts when they can clearly identify both of their roles in this dynamic. Because when we zoom out on this dynamic, we see something really important that both of your reactions are feeding the negative cycle that you get into. And I know this about your marriage because it's true for all.
Of our marriages, mine included, and every single client, every single couple that I work with, we all have a negative repetitive cycle, a dynamic that we get into when we get triggered. And of course, it can look different depending on the marriage. For some, it can be just like a blip in the day. For others, it can be, you know, a big blowout fight. For others, it can be complete silence. So there are so many ways that it can look, and there is always a cycle.
So some examples of that is maybe, you know, your spouse gets really silent and you tend to get angry and loud. Their silence actually triggers your reaction of getting louder, while your anger actually triggers their reaction of going even more silent. Or if your spouse gets really critical and they're like nitpicky and mean, and you tend to go silent in those moments, it's the same thing. Those things are feeding each other.
And maybe in your marriage, it's that you withdraw and they actually withdraw too. It is the same thing. It feeds the negative cycle, whatever the combo is, those reactions actually feed off each other.
And what this means is that even if one of you changes your reaction, you are breaking that negative cycle and starting to create a new cycle, a new pattern, a new dance. So if you've been here before, you know I'm always popping off about creating a new dance and how one person can change the dance. And I hope that really just like in that snapshot highlights how this is possible because if you both have
The roles that you jump into no matter what the topic is. You know, maybe you're upset about the dirty dishes, or maybe it's that someone is late and they're always late and now we're late again. Or maybe it is that someone forgot to tell the other that you had an event to go to the next day, and now you're rushing around. There are so many different things, obviously, that can come up in our marriages, and we do tend to take the same roles when we're triggered.
So knowing this, knowing this, this means, this means I get so excited that we can change this dance. It means that we can change this dance. It means that you don't have to wait for your spouse to change the thing that bothers you. So at the beginning of this episode, I asked you to identify those things that do bother you. And those are the things that we just often wish, you know, and think, if they would just change this, things would get so much better. But the good news is that if you start to shift your things.
Then things can get so much better. And always knowing that if I asked your spouse, you know, what your reactions or behaviors are that are unhelpful in those times, they're gonna have a list to share with me, which means you both have a list, which we are human, we all have a list. I got a big old list, so there's always something to work on. And you know, the best place to start is to grab my free love journey roadmap.
If you already have it, take this as your sign today to dive back into it because it helps you really clearly identify what your reactions are and your roles are, and it helps you start to actually change it. It gives you personalized steps to do that. And if you haven't grabbed it, go to the show notes, dig in, it is right there for you. And this is how we really start to change the dance. And when I listed out those reactions at the beginning of the episode, like you know, going totally quiet or maybe getting angry and criticizing.
or changing the subject, going to another room,
Or becoming overly apologetic and trying to make it all go away. Those aren't just categories of behaviors. Those reactions are actually linked to different states of your nervous system when you get dysregulated, when you get triggered. So all of that is in the roadmap as well, covering your nervous system. Because my goodness, I always say to my clients, I could give you all of the tools, all of the tips, all of the advice, all of the perfect communication scripts.
But if we don't work on your nervous system and you get triggered, all of that just goes out the window. So focusing on the nervous system piece is a huge piece
And that's why it is one of the three pillars of the love journey process that I use when I'm working with all of my clients. I use it in all of my programs, all of the things. It's in the roadmap. I lay them out for you. So if you dive into this roadmap, when you dive into this roadmap, you will be making huge changes if you do it with consistency.
That is the biggest key.
And consistency doesn't look like just, you know, a couple of days or even a couple of weeks. It can take time before you start to see the shift. I mean, there are definitely many, many, many cases where it takes very little time. You know, I had somebody dive into my self-paced program, Relationship Recharge. And the first thing, no, I think they just did the superpowered appreciation. So I'll put that in the show notes too. But
They just did that piece, started doing superpowered appreciations, and super quickly, it was within days, they saw a very different reaction and response from their spouse. They saw appreciation back, and then they chose to dive into my self-paced program relationship recharge because they were like, okay, if I've just been doing these appreciations for a few days, and I'm seeing change, then I'm definitely ready to dive into the love journey process. So
That is the coolest, and I'm highlighting this because consistency. yeah, that's when got a little sidetracked there. But the reason is that sometimes you will see change within a couple of days. I know for me, when I dove into this work in that group coaching program years ago, I started to see changes pretty quickly. And it was the three weeks in where my husband, then boyfriend, like jumped in and actually started doing the modules with me. So
That to me, that's massive change. That is massive mind-blowing change within three weeks. And there were smaller changes along the way. And I don't use the word smaller to minimize or diminish them because they were actually huge. They were really positive. I was seeing him responding in ways that I had wished that he would be responding prior to me diving into the work. And that was all just me changing the dance.
By diving into so many of the things that I share in the roadmap, starting with identifying your reactions. And that is part of the commitment keys, which is another pillar of my love journey process, where you're asking yourself, how can I help this relationship thrive? How have I been contributing to what hasn't working? How can I change and grow? So, you know, identifying your reactions, that's how you're contributing to what isn't working. That's one of the ways.
And then how can I change and grow? That's in the roadmap too for you to dig into to learn how to actually change those patterns. And then how can I help our relationship thrive? Well, by doing that, you're helping your relationship thrive in such a big way. And in the roadmap, that is a big section of it as well. So this is a 17-page free guide that I feel like I don't talk about enough. So I wanted to bring in, highlighting the fact
how one person can change the dance because I know it can be hard to believe, but I wanted to really bring in the roadmap today
Because if you are someone who is listening to these podcasts, I mean, you are, you're listening. You wouldn't hear this right now if you weren't listening. So you are somebody who is listening to these podcasts. And if you don't have the roadmap, my goodness, it is free. And you could just be maximizing, I was gonna say exponentially, let's say exponentially maximizing leveling up.
The results that you can see in your marriage. You can take what you're hearing in the podcast and then really get that personalized plan within the roadmap to take it so much further. So 10 out of 10, recommend grabbing the roadmap, digging in. It's also really pretty, and I made it myself. No AI. It is just very, very pretty. So recommend digging in, and then you can start to see your changes too, which is the coolest.
So I'm gonna leave you with that today. Plant that seed, dive on in. And you know, I know a lot of people need accountability to actually stay in the work. It can be super easy to grab the roadmap, look at it one day, and then never go back to it again because goodness knows I've done that with many free things that I have downloaded online. So if you are somebody who is like, okay, I am hearing this, this makes sense. I've been listening to the podcast for a while.
I'm not seeing the changes that I want to see, or I don't really know how to apply them to my marriage. I do have two spots available for private coaching right now. So this is August. my gosh, it's August. I was gonna say July. It's August 2nd, 2026, at the time of this recording. So I do have two spots available for private coaching right now, and I have couples coaching spots as well. And my goodness, the individuals that I work with are absolutely doing the work. They dive in.
I am in their back pocket, we are on a messaging app together so that when something comes up, they can message me and be like, How do I work through this? And we have calls together, and then we take those calls, we integrate it through the week on the messaging app. They are just never alone in the journey, and they experience such huge changes in their marriage, feeling
Deeply connected, they feel prioritized, they feel loved. They can bring up topics that they could not talk about in the past without things going sideways. And for some, this is intimacy, for others, this is finances. For others, it is just, you know, I have people who are like, we can't talk about anything without things going sideways. And they start to be able to have these conversations. And it is such a beautiful thing to witness and to see. And it makes me so excited. So I do have spots for individuals, I do have spots for couples.
And if you've been thinking about it, take this as your sign. Yes, we are still in summer. And I actually just had a couple start two weeks ago, was it? And they get to experience an even better version of their summer because they chose to dive in. And now they're already using the tools within things that are showing up the events that they go to, the experiences that they have, they get to experience it in this new way because they're getting the tools and they're doing this.
this together. So it's the coolest. I would love, love, love to connect with you. So you can email me. My email is in the show notes. And also definitely grab that roadmap.
And of course, if you have been loving the podcast, I would love and appreciate if you would leave a five-star rating and review because it helps the pod reach more hearts. And that is the goal to spread more love ripples in the world. And you get to be a part of that if you leave a review. So I am sending so much love into your day. And just remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. So grab that roadmap, reach out if you want to go deeper. Let's freaking do this. And I will see you next week. Bye.
