Lindsay (00:00)
this might be a hard one to record, but I am recording it, and we are talking about grief and loss today. So if that feels especially tender, specifically pet loss, aka furry family loss. but if that feels especially tender or like something that will not be helpful for you today, then definitely listen to your body, listen to your gut, listen to your heart, and do not listen to this episode. And if it does feel helpful, then
Cozy on in, and there may be some tears, and I just wanna keep it real. So I'm Lindsay, this is Loving with Attention. Let's dive in to today's episode that is obviously different than my usual episodes, but I did send out an email to my mailing list about this this week, and it felt really good to just sit. Man, that was a long email, but to just sit and let it flow.
Let my heart do the talking and just share because my husband and I have been moving through grief from our little kitty, Barbara Jean, getting his wings just over two weeks ago. And he was 14 and a half. He was the absolute love of our lives. I cannot even explain. my goodness. And yeah, I guess.
Just kind of saying the reason that I'm sharing this is because I can't even believe I'm not crying right now. I'm trying really hard. Not that it is bad to cry, which we are gonna talk about, but I don't you don't need to listen to me sobbing through this episode. but the reason that I'm sharing this is it is super present for one. for two, I want to talk about some things to do with our relationship and how we've moved through the grief together. And for three, which I might have already said, I can't even remember already, this is about love.
And about intention and just about where I'm at. And I think that sort of some things that have come from this are just sort of life lessons that apply to relationships and all the things. And I'm doing this totally unscripted. So if I can tie all that together, fantastic. And if I can't, thanks for being along for the ride. so my goodness, my goodness. This is something that okay, so Barbara.
Is the most gorgeous ragdoll who ever lived. Yes, he is a boy. That is a story for another day about why his name is Barbara. I did know he was a boy, it just suited him perfectly. There's more to it, but we'll leave it there. And he had the most beautiful blue eyes on planet Earth. And yeah, he was truly the love of our lives. And I know that there are people who listen to the podcast who I was in Healthy Role Models, a workout community with for years, and we post our sweaty pictures.
In the Facebook group as we encourage each other on in our workouts, and Barbara was in every single one of those photos because he's just always been my little buddy, my best friend, my shadow. He's just with me all the time. And to think about this moment coming, I've never even been able to think about it. I used to always just say when Barbara goes off to college one day, because I couldn't even talk about my goodness. I just couldn't even talk about it. I couldn't even fathom that this day would come. but this day is here.
And we are moving through it. And he has graduated from Earth School. And my goodness, part of moving through the grief together, one thing that I'm super grateful for is the way that we have turned towards the grief together, my husband and I. And what that's looked like is allowing the grief, feeling the grief, seeing the grief, feeling the feels. And one big thing, you know, I shared this with my
Momentum group. So we have the weekly group in our momentum calls, their anonymous group coaching calls. So everybody's on the screen with their videos off. They're named anonymous one, two, three, four, five. They just have anonymous so that everybody can just show up exactly as they are and dive into our relationship stuff together. And at the beginning of those calls, we always share either one of three things, or all three things if they're feeling ambitious. A win, a relationship win from the past week, something they are
That they are proud of that they have done in their relationship in the past week. So that could be, you know, a new way of thinking, or, you know, a new way that they showed up, or just a way that they are proud of, or something that they appreciate from their spouse. So we always start these calls with celebrations. And with Barbara getting his wings, I delayed two of those momentum calls. And then we came back just this week on our call. And this is something that I shared.
In those winds,
And the big win that I really just noticed in just really sinking in and feeling the gratitude for experiencing grief together was the level of secure attachment I feel with my husband in general, but also it's just really been highlighted through this in that I can literally it can be any time of day where I can just text him if we're not together, or if we're together, I can just turn to him and say, I feel really sad.
And it is just accepted with full love, full understanding, full validation. And in the same token that I could just share photos of Barbara, videos of Barbara. We can just I can bring it up at any time, no matter what my feelings are. You know, I texted him the other day when we were apart and I said I just sobbed for an hour. And it was just met with so much love. And I just feel the secure attachment in that that I don't even have to think, you know.
How is this going to be met? Or is this going to interrupt what he's doing in his day? Or is this a bad time or whatever this is? I just know that I can show up exactly as is. And like I always share in momentum. These moments mean so much to me, like these awarenesses and these realizations. And like I've talked about on the podcast before, of course, because of how things used to be in our relationship. And that just wouldn't be the case. And I'm not saying, you know, whenever I talk about these things, I'm not saying because.
My husband was a certain way in the past. It's because we were both wildly different in the past. And our relationship looked wildly different in the past, where there just wouldn't have been this feeling as we moved through this together. I just wouldn't have felt so safe and been able to trust and had repeated evidence that, you know, I've just had repeated evidence over the years that I can show up in this way. And that has meant.
So, so, so much, and I'm so grateful. And the reason that I share that is because, you know, and again, I I talk about this in momentum all the time. Maybe I should talk about it more in the podcast, but just the fact that we this happened not by chance or because we're lucky, but it is because, you know, we do the work. We continue to do the work. And I celebrate everyone who does. And if you're listening to this podcast, you are one of those people that I'm celebrating because.
You are choosing to immerse yourself in this language, in this world, in loving with intention. You are making that conscious choice. And that is what it takes to create the kind of relationship where you feel secure and you move through things in new ways, in ways that you couldn't possibly have imagined a long time ago. So I'm just celebrating you in that. And, you know, often when I start working with people and they just
Don't believe that things could get better, especially if they're working on things alone. I often suggest borrowing my belief. And my belief comes from my experience. And that is just, yeah, it is just something that I can't say enough. So that is one thing that I have noticed in moving through this grief. And another thing is the fact that we chose to turn towards this grief. One of the things that we did was
I ordered us the most beautiful kitty cat journal, and we wanted to write down every memory that we could think of about Barbara, and we continue to write in it because we just want to capture all of these moments. Like he is and was such a big part of our lives. I mean, he's an indoor cat. He's literally just there all of the time and makes every day better. Like we
I know that a lot of you can relate. We were and are obsessed with him. Like, my gosh, every single day we talked about how he was pure joy. And just one thing that we keep saying is like, one thing is for certain that that cat, that little man, there was no doubt, he had no doubt how much he was loved, because we told him all day, every day, how grateful we were for him. There is like no regrets in that regard. And
In writing in this journal, it has been this beautiful ritual of connection for us. And, you know, in my coaching when I'm working with clients, I talk about rituals of connection and the importance of them. And of course, they don't have to be writing in a journal. Another ritual of connection my husband and I have is our coffee together. And that, you know, that's a moment where we are enjoying our coffee. We're not on our phones. We're connecting. And these moments are so rituals are just so important in our lives. They give us
Something to look forward to. There's safety in our nervous systems. There's so many positive things that come from rituals. And moving through something so challenging, like one of the worst things that I could imagine. I told you I couldn't even imagine it. He would go off to college, is what I would say. So moving through one of the most challenging things ever, having rituals in this has been so helpful. And again, I'm sharing these things. I'm not, I said again, but.
It's something I wrote in the email. I haven't said it out loud. but I'm sharing these things in case, you know, anyone is moving through any kind of grief or just any kind of challenge, even in case these things are helpful. And I know that, I mean, man, I have no script today, so we are just darting all over the place. But I know that, you know, say I was listening to this podcast eight years ago, I would have been like, that sounds amazing.
To write in a journal with your husband. That sounds amazing, but my husband won't do that. Or I wouldn't even ask that. Or we don't even have the relationship where we could do that. Or we don't have rituals of connection because we don't feel connected. Like I know hearing all of these things, I would have, I would have felt that and just felt like that was so far out of reach. So if you're in that place, I just want to wrap you in all of the love in the whole entire world. And, you know, I hope that.
Again, my story and when I share clients' stories can be inspiring or give you some hope that if you do continue to lean in and do the work, even if you're not in a place right now, that that could be in your future, I truly couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine my life. The way that our marriage looks right now, I just couldn't imagine that this ever would have been possible. I truly can't. Like I just can't stress that enough.
how hard things used to be and that I would just long for this and see other people's relationships. And of course now I know that I was seeing a lot of the highlight reel then. But also just hear people who were doing the work and just long for that and just think like that's not me and it won't ever be me. And now it is me. It is me. So yeah, just if I can give anybody any hope, any help, any support, anything at all that is useful from this podcast today. I just hope.
That it reaches even one heart because I love, you know, my mission is to spread love ripples in the world. And if Barbara Jean can spread love ripples in this world too, my goodness, does that just make my heart get even bigger? So I love that. I love that so much. So thank you. Thank you for just being here and listening. And again, I don't really know.
All of the things that we're gonna say here today, but even just talking about it feels therapeutic for me. So if this is, you know, I do hope it helps somebody, but also it's helping me. So that's great. I'll take it. I will take it. And you know, in turning towards our grief, choosing to consciously make that choice to grieve and feel and create these rituals, it also
cracked open or just opened our hearts or just made us realize
The lessons that Barbara had to teach us while he was here. And even now that his physical, fluffy little body is not here anymore, we in writing, it was just like we just started realizing, my gosh, he's taught us so much. And there were lessons here that we realized we wouldn't have learned with him still here. So, you know, really just cherishing the moment. And I know this happens
You know, I've had this experience before. I remember a beautiful friend and coworker that passed away several years ago and attending her funeral and just hearing all the incredible things that everyone had to say about her and sharing our memories and being in that. And I left there thinking, I hope, I hope that so many of those people said those things out loud to her. I hope that they got to share that and feel what it was.
Felt like to share that and that she got to hear that as well. Because I think that so often that is what happens is we don't share those thoughts about other people. And then that moment happens where they're gone. And now we're sharing those stories. Because I know for her, there were definitely things that I shared that day that I hadn't shared with her. And I was like, gosh, I wish that I did. I wish that I did. And for Barbara, we are glad that we shared.
Every single gratitude and thought with him every single day. So we're so grateful for that. And I think that that's one of the lessons. I mean, one of the things that I've definitely felt every time I experienced the loss of a human in my life.
And it just felt like really in my face to experience that with Barbara because it was kind of the opposite of like, we did say all of those things and just how good that felt, like how incredible that felt. So it just makes me want to, you know, continue to spread more love ripples, to reach out and tell people how much they mean to me, the impact that they have on my life. And that is one of the lessons here, one of many lessons. But I think that.
I don't know that we would have experienced these lessons if we didn't open ourselves up to the grief. And the grief has been, I just almost dropped an F-bomb, but I don't know if I could do that on my podcast and still have it go out to the same people. but it's been freaking hard. Like, I said in my email that pit of
loss and the feelings and the tears and the crying and the recurring thought of I wish this wasn't happening and I don't want to go through this. Poo there's the tears. The tears live right at the surface. Right at the surface. And it's okay. And it's okay because I loved him so much. So so much. So yeah. Yeah. And it's okay. And it's okay.
I loved him so much. I loved him so much. And I don't, I think part of this, I don't even know what I'm saying now, is that part of allowing myself to go into that pit. I know I don't want to live in that pit, but I will go there because I am someone who wants to experience all of the feels. I feel like my capacity and willingness to feel the depths of hurt and pain.
Is sort of mirror to the capacity and willingness to feel the depths and the expansiveness of the joy that I do. So I'm willing to go there and feel those feelings, even though they freaking hurt so bad. And I don't want to live there. I don't want to live in that pit. And one thing that helps me not live in that pit because it would be easy. I mean, I've spent a lot of days in bed and just crawling back into bed in the middle of the day. And that is okay. That's grief.
And you know, cancel client calls and haven't been on YouTube in like three weeks. Like I just life got put on hold and that's okay. That is okay. And part of what helps me move through that is to look for the gifts and the lessons. And it is really holding all of it. Like holding the pain and the hurt and the gifts and the lessons and not letting them cancel each other out because
You know, I know that it can be a really common thing for people who mean so well and mean they just want to comfort and give compassion. You know, somebody might say, at least you got 14 and a half years with him, or at least you loved him so much, or at least you got to spend those days with him, and at least you worked from home. Nobody has said this to me, I just want to be clear, but I know this is a really common thing that people will say when someone else is grieving because.
They want to highlight the positive. And I think it's important to highlight the positive. And I understand that that can feel really minimizing. So when I just want to be really conscious and careful about when I say leaning into the gifts and the lessons, it is not to minimize at all. It is to hold space for all of it. You know, it doesn't for me, it doesn't take away from the bigness of losing my very best friend and his fluffy perfect little body. It just doesn't take away from that.
My goodness, this is a vulnerable episode. But it's okay. It's for Barbara Jean and Spread and Love Ripples. And we are here and we are doing it. And just thank you for holding me in your heart if you're still listening. Thank you for being a safe space for me to share. My delete later. I don't know. If you want to reach out by email, it is in the show notes. Or by Instagram, DM. I don't know why I'm asking you to do that. If you want to just say like,
I see girl or I've been there girl or I'm listening and I'm here. I just accept all of the love. I guess I'm just feeling like extra vulnerable right now. So that's just me sharing that this is vulnerable as heck. Vulnerable as heck. So yeah, just thanks. Thanks for being in the community. Thanks for being here. If this is your first episode, dear. Thank you. Thank you for still being here. And normally we're talking about, you know, more.
More scripted episodes where we're digging into things. I mean, let me know. Let me know if you like to hear what's going on in life. but this is obviously like I'm sharing a lot about relationships because even in the ch so circling back, went on a tangent or circling back, even in challenges in relationships, or in my own relationship, even through the hard times, one helpful thought is, you know, rather than get stuck.
stuck in that pit, a helpful thought to move through that pit, even in that moment, you know, feel the feels. I don't want to like cut off the feels by going, but look at the positive. That's not what it is. It's like, okay, when I have felt the depths of the feels and I feel ready to, you know, my nervous system feels in a different state, or I feel sort of complete in that moment, or I do want a shift in that moment. And thinking about relationships, it's like
Can I now look for, lean in? What is the gift in this? What can I appreciate about this really hard thing that's happening right now? What can I learn from this? What can I learn about myself? What lessons are here? How where have I seen this pattern before in my life? Does this pattern go back to my childhood? And can I learn from that? What is here for me to heal and grow through? So many ways that we can find the gifts and also not let it minimize.
The hurt and pain and bigness of whatever the experience is that we are going through. This is just something that helps me in all challenges of my life. And when I tell you that this is gosh, this is so hard. This is so hard, so hard to move through. my goodness. Very best friend. And we are doing so many other things and rituals that I think have been so helpful for my nervous system.
And so many things, and I'm so happy to share those. I don't know if that's helpful for like grief and loss, because I honestly thought, I'll be, I'll keep it real here, this man, this little Barbara Jean, since he's been my very best friend since I was in my 20s, and he's just been with me through everything. I've had him since he's eight weeks old. I literally thought that not having his physical body here, that I would be having panic attacks, that I would just really not be.
Okay, and I mean I haven't been okay, but I thought that I would be worse or not able to function. Don't get me wrong, there's been days that I haven't been able to function, but that I wouldn't be able to find the gifts or the lessons or the love or the gratitude or that my husband and I wouldn't be able to connect over like so why am I saying this again? Why am I saying this? I think I'm highlighting.
How big this is, but also, well, okay, I didn't know this is why I was saying this. But I think for me, what that highlights is, and I was talking to my therapist about this. So I'm getting support around this. I've already had, you know, it's been 15 days, 16 days. I've had two therapy sessions around it. I'm talking to friends about it. I'm telling, you know, family what I need around it. Like just keep sending me photos and videos.
And we're doing all of these things. But I think, yeah, I was talking to my therapist about it, who's been with me for over 10 years, that the way that I'm moving through this also speaks to doing the work in my life. And that's not to say that like it would have been bad if I well, it wouldn't have been fun, obviously, if I was having panic attacks and it wouldn't have been, you know, I wouldn't have looked at it as, I'm not doing well or this isn't okay or I'm losing it or anything like that. I would have just been like, yeah, it makes sense. This is a big freaking thing.
and I think because I have this toolbox of tools, and I've been doing, you know, I've been in therapy since I was 20 and doing this personal growth work for over 20 years. That this has helped me move through it. So anything that I can share to help anyone move through things, I'm just so happy to do that because I
continuously, but I have over all of these years been learning from other people. And like I said, continuously I will be in therapy until the end of time. That is just the plan. my therapist is in her 60s and I'm like, goodness, please tell me you're going to be doing this until you're 100 years old. I'm actually too scared to ask her if she's gonna retire because I don't want to handle it. But I think yeah, I've just learned, I just recognize that there are so many
So many. gosh, and now I'm just realizing as I say this, I'm just gonna cut my sentence off there, but I'm just realizing as I say this that so much of Barbara's support and the things that I've moved through with him and his my gosh, rare for anybody who knows, I know there are people here who listen who are privy to Barbara's rare diseases and health challenges that he's had over the years and the amount of
effort, attention, and love that my husband and I have put into helping him through these things and learning about these things, and getting anything possible done to keep him the healthiest, happiest little floof alive. I think that, yeah, I'm just realizing every how much I have how much I have grown. This is really just a wow. Yeah. How here's another lesson. Just how much I have grown through getting to love him.
In this past 14 and a half years. Whoo! Muff friend. How much I have grown and that it has helped me get to this place of being able to move through this and see so much beauty and have so much gratitude for all of this. So thank you. Thank you, Barbara, for the endless lifelong lessons. And my gosh. Lastly, I'll just end with this because I've probably been talking for 45 minutes. I'm not even looking at the phone.
longest episode ever. Get ready. I mean, I'm telling you to get ready, and we're like 90 minutes in. my husband and I always called Barbara the glue. So when things were really, really challenging, part of our repair, even when it was ugly and messy and maybe not even happening in the past, would be with Barbara there and present. And yeah, we call them the glue.
We always call them the glue. Like he was just he was the constant, our constant positive joy and beacon of connection. He was like the thing that brought us together, even if we, you know, if there was if we were going through something really challenging. But then he was. It was like everything got put aside to move in for him and to take care of him. So he's always been the glue.
And he has helped us in our relationship journey over the years. And I'm just so grateful. So I'm so grateful for leaning in and doing the work. I'm so grateful for all of the lessons that Barbara has taught us then and now and will continue to teach us. I'm so grateful to have this space to share. I am so grateful for.
All of you that are here. So you here listening, I'm celebrating you for choosing to show up again and again. I have seen the great benefit that that has had in my life, that I have chosen to show up again and again, even when it's freaking hard. But I continue to show up to choose to do the work for my relationship and my life. And I can't, yeah, I can't tell you how grateful I am for that. So I'm just cheering you on.
Celebrating you big time, grateful to be on the journey with you. Like, this isn't me sitting here telling you, I know all the things that you need to do. I'm just here sharing, you know, what I've learned in my own relationship and then what I've learned by digging in to become a relationship coach and learn the things. But by no means am I like, I have got all the answers and I'm here to tell you them. I am in it with you. So thank you for being in it with me. And
Thank you for listening to this super vulnerable episode. And I'm just sending so much love into your day. And just remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. So on your loved ones hard. And if things feel really challenging right now, if you are in the thick of grief or a deep challenge or deep pain in your relationship, just know that I see you and you are not alone. And there is hope for things.
To get better and for us to move through this all together. And I'm just sending all the love, all the love. Thank you so much for being here. Bye.
