Lindsay (00:00)
When you bring up a concern with your spouse, whether it's socks on the floor again, or they haven't done that thing that they promised they were gonna get done, do you often hear, I can't get anything right, or nothing I ever do is good enough for you? It would make sense that you would then feel dismissed and frustrated that this has become about them, and now your concerns aren't even being addressed. There actually is a way to start feeling heard, even if they have this response I am Lindsay of this is loving with intention.
Let's dive in because you deserve to feel heard and hear them take accountability and they don't have to listen to this podcast for things to change. So, last podcast episode, I shared a look under the surface for your spouse because there's so much more than meets the eye here, which can totally help you shift your approach. So check out the last podcast episode for that. And today is part two. It's an invitation to look within. So you know how frustrating this pattern is and that it needs to change.
And one way to do this is to use this moment to get compassionately curious. In your marriage, can you see how it's possible that your spouse might feel this way? That their experience is that what they do isn't good enough for you. When you reflect on the last several or maybe many years, do you have a pattern of pointing out what they could do differently or maybe even better in your eyes? Do you have a pattern of expressing frustrations, using criticism? Maybe you use words like always or never.
Do you sometimes or often have a really harsh tone when you express these things? If your answer is no, I'm gonna share another area to get curious about in just a minute. But if your answer is yes, bring in so much love. This is a really common relationship pattern. And yes, absolutely it is harmful. And there's also something you can do about it. It's also just one side of the dynamic in your marriage.
We all have unhealthy patterns. I've probably said that a million times since I started with loving with intention. So this isn't a failure if you recognize yourself in this. This is actually feedback. This is information. If you zoom out and look at your relationship dynamic, it might make sense why they feel like they can't get anything right if they're hearing a lot of criticism. The great thing about identifying this pattern in yourself is that you can choose to see this as a major growth opportunity.
For both men and women, when we experience our spouse doing something frustrating or hurtful, like not taking accountability or like saying I can't get anything right and ignoring our concerns, it makes so much sense that we think they need to stop doing that. They need to start apologizing, they need to just listen, they need to change. But we have so much more power than we think. Thank goodness. It's not just on them.
So when you shift into expressing your frustrations in a healthier way, it not only lands in a safer way with your spouse's nervous system, it also sets you up for success to be heard. The truth is, under every criticism that you might have, there is a whole list of beautiful valid needs that just want to be met. When we can start to express those, we see wildly different results in our relationships. And to find out what your needs might be, you can grab the free Love Journey Roadmap in the description box.
It is my free guide. You're gonna get an entire list of possible needs with guidance on how to identify them and then how to shift your approach with these needs. So just grab that. The link is below. And then whether you resonate with criticism or not, there's another area to get compassionately curious about. Do you tell your spouse often what you appreciate? Do you share gratitude for how they show up, the things that they do, the things that they say, or is this something that has stopped happening over the years like it so innocently does?
In so many marriages. When we think back to the early days of dating, we are giving love and appreciation and gratitude so freely. We are hopped up on love drugs, the body's love chemicals, in that honeymoon phase, and this just comes super easily. And then we move out of that stage, which is inevitable, and we start getting into routines. We start experiencing challenges. We start butting heads with beliefs and values, ways that we want to live, all the usual relationship things, and appreciation stops.
Appreciation can start to feel like, well, if I appreciate them for a bunch of things, they're gonna think that everything's okay. It makes so much sense if you can relate to that. As I always say too, like we never learn how to do relationships, we never learn any of this stuff, we never learn to get curious about this stuff. So we just fall into these unhelpful patterns without even recognizing it. So if you do reflect right now and appreciation isn't free-flowing, when you zoom out and look at your marriage again, it might make sense that they have the experience, they can't get anything right.
Because often they aren't hearing what they're doing well. And if there is criticism on top of that, they're also hearing what you think they're not doing well.
So again, bring in so much love. You are human, you are still here listening to this podcast, you are clearly open to change. And this isn't to say that your spouse doesn't have their own unhealthy patterns. I know that they do, but we do get to focus on you because that's the only place you have power to change things. So if appreciation is lacking and it does feel challenging to bring it back, remember that multiple things can be true. You can feel frustrated by the things that your spouse does or doesn't do, you can feel hurt by them and
You can also appreciate the things that they do. One doesn't cancel out the other, they all exist together. And the truth is, when you start giving appreciation regularly, you actually create a positive cushion of love for your own complaints or your concerns to land more softly on. A culture of respect and appreciation in a marriage is the literal long-term antidote to contempt, according to the Gottman Institute. So this is no small thing.
And I am talking appreciation for even the little things, unloading the dishwasher, putting gas in the car, grabbing the mail. Yes, those are absolutely all things that need to be done. And they're all things that functioning adults do. And you can still appreciate them. Appreciation doesn't mean you deserve a trophy for doing this thing. It actually just says, I see you. I see the way that you contribute. I know in my relationship, in my marriage, if my husband does anything for our lives, that is something that
I don't have to do for our lives. So I'm so grateful for his contribution. We get to intentionally create this positive upward spiral in our marriages. And if you're thinking, why do I have to create this spiral? You don't. You totally don't. I am sure that you would love for your spouse to be listening to this podcast, wanting to work on their stuff. And if your spouse isn't doing that, you do get to make a choice. I used to imagine what I would love in our relationship. And back then,
The thriving marriage that I wanted seemed totally out of reach when so many of our days had so much negativity. We were having blow-up fights regularly, but I still painted that vision for myself. I knew that every choice I made either moved me one step toward that or it moved me a step away from that. What I knew for sure was that nothing was gonna change if we kept doing the same thing. So that's when I committed to changing my side of our dynamic in a big way. And that is when I learned that one person can change the entire dance.
If you've been here before, you know that going all in with a relationship coach for me in a group coaching program, that's what led to my husband, then boyfriend, finally joining me and doing the work. So I truly see this as an empowering choice to go first to create that upward spiral to break the current pattern that doesn't feel good for either of you. So if you're into that and you recognize that you do tend to be critical or that you haven't been very appreciative, or both, these are great places to start.
And definitely grab that roadmap to help you get started. It is in the show notes here. And if you have been loving the pod, I would love to hear from you. It is always so great to get feedback. And if you love it, leave a five-star rating and review. It gets the podcast into more hearts. I appreciate you so much. Thank you a billion for being here. I'm sending so much love into your day. And just remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. So grab the roadmap, go back and listen to last week's episode if you haven't. And let's have a super intentional week.
