Lindsay (00:00)
Your spouse did something that upset you, or you have hurt feelings, or something is bothering you, so you bring it up and immediately they make it about them. They're like, I can't get anything right. Nothing I ever do is good enough. You knew this was coming because it always does. And once again, you're left frustrated because they won't take accountability. Literally, all you want is for them to say, it makes sense you're upset. I'm sorry I said that. That is it. But it doesn't happen.
I am Lindsay, this is Loving with Intention. Let's dive in because there's actually a way you can turn this around, even when they launch into the same old defenses. And after I share how, I'm gonna give you a powerful tool to help you put this right into action. So just naming it, if you're like already, why am I the one turning this around? I definitely know that that can feel frustrating.
And if your spouse was the one listening, I would be supporting them in changing their reaction. But since it's you, as always, and because I want you to feel so heard and so validated, you're the only one who can change your part of this dynamic, or nothing will change at all.
You can alter how you bring things up and also how you respond when they do say, I can't get anything right. So let's break it down. When you bring it up, keep in mind that your person has this filter where they tend to think I'm always the bad guy. So speak to those parts of them right out the gates.
So you say something like, earlier when we were out with our friends, you made that joke in front of everybody. I absolutely know you had no bad intentions, and I just wanted to tell you that it didn't feel good for me. I felt really embarrassed by it. I'm not mad at you at all, and I had a really good time. I just have this lingering feeling. So I wanted to tell you. When you bring it up in this way, with a loving tone, with the intention of repair, and with the intention of seeking connection, your person can feel that.
And when you say, I know you didn't have bad intentions and I'm not mad at you, those lines are speaking directly to the parts of your spouse that always feel like the bad guy.
If immediately when they hear you're upset, their go-to is I can't get anything right, you are meeting those thoughts before they even say them out loud or before they even think them.
And when I say those parts of your spouse that feel like the bad guy, I'm literally talking about parts. We all have these little parts inside of us, maybe there's confident parts, playful parts, anxious parts, people pleaser parts, protector parts, controlling parts. And we want to meet these parts of ourselves with so much love. Most of these parts form earlier in life when we're just trying to protect ourselves, avoid rejection, or stay connected to the people who matter to us.
These parts are different sides of us that show up in different situations that trigger us and it kind of triggers the parts to show up. So when I hear someone say I can't get anything right,
I imagine a younger wounded part of them stepping forward.
Not your spouse standing in front of you, but a tender part of them who doesn't feel like they can measure up. And when you start to see this instead of a deflecting, defensive spouse, then you can really change things. And before I share what to say, when they still get down on themselves instead of validating you, I want to make it super clear. Recognizing that they have wounded parts, just like we all do, doesn't make it okay that they do hurtful behaviors when these parts show up. Both things can exist, the hurtful behaviors that need to be addressed and worked on.
And the root of where they came from that needs healing.
Maybe you approach your spouse in the way that I shared and they really hear you and they're like, okay, I really did do something that hurt you, and you're not mad at me, and you still love me. I'm safe. So then they can own and validate their stuff. That is amazing. And maybe they're still in the old pattern and they say what they always say. It was just a joke. We had such a good time, but you have to focus on the one thing I did that wasn't perfect. I can't get anything right with you.
Most people understandably respond to this with frustration. Maybe you shut down, you're like, never mind, and you walk away. Or maybe you get critical saying, you always make this about you. You never acknowledge my feelings. You take everything the wrong way. Maybe you get defensive. It wasn't just a joke. I did have a good time. I'm allowed to have fun and have hurt feelings.
you know that any variation of those responses leads you in the same negative spiral and you don't feel seen or heard and it all just gets swept under the rug again. So instead, when they do get defensive, look for the wounded parts. What is under the words? What needs are there? And if you're thinking, how would I know that if they don't express them? I totally get that.
And that is one of the reasons I put together my free love journey guide that you can grab in the show notes. It's gonna walk you through how to start seeing the needs under the reactions, how to regulate your nervous system so you're not reacting from being activated, and how to start shifting these patterns in a really grounded way. But let's stay right here, right now for a second, because I want to show you what this looks like in real time. That wounded part might really wanna be seen for their best intentions, to know that they mattered, they want to feel loved.
But then your person expresses that in unhealthy ways, just like we all do when we're triggered. So again, to change the dance, you get to double down on speaking to the wounded part. So when your spouse says it was just a joke, we had such a good time, you have to focus on the one thing I did that wasn't perfect. I can't get anything right. You can say, I know it was just a joke. And you're right, we did have a really good time. I really appreciate how you ordered lunch for me and all those nice things you were saying about me, working on the kids' projects with them.
And if I don't tell you I felt embarrassed and know that you hear me, I'm worried it'll happen again. Speak to the wounded parts and maintain your truth. And if that feels really hard, that makes sense. This is a huge shift from how most couples do things. I know that choosing to see under your person's defensiveness can feel like you're condoning it. When in reality, it's you choosing to break a pattern that causes pain for both of you. It's you choosing connection in the moment rather than being right.
There's always a time outside of this moment to speak to those defensives. But right now, if you do that, you're just gonna hear more of the same. That's what happens when we're triggered. So this is where that powerful tool comes in that I mentioned earlier that's gonna help you put this into action, even when it does feel hard. It is an invitation to get into your heart and imagine where might this have come from? There are like a million places that this could have originated, but I'm just gonna give one example here today. Maybe growing up.
Your spouse's mom told them often that they weren't as good as their sibling. They weren't as smart, they weren't as good as sports, they weren't as thoughtful. They'd bring home a report card and the mom would say, Jimmy did so much better than this when he was in grade four. Or they like proudly made the soccer team, and the mom said, Jimmy made captain on the first day. You better work for that too. Again and again and again, this little one got the message nothing you ever do is good enough. That wounded part gets formed, and then
When they hear any sort of criticism or even someone disappointed in them, it gets triggered, feeling once again like I can't get anything right. The thing is, even if you don't know where it came from, you can see that it's there. We get to make a choice. When I am working with couples, I love when they both get to see the vulnerable parts underneath what's happening on the surface. An argument starts in session, I pause things, we slow down, we get curious, and it can end in a beautiful long hug where they're hugging not just their person.
But those wounded parts too, even though they were created in the past, we can heal them now. It's the best. It is so the best. We can show them they are enough. Because it's true. We can screw up, we can make mistakes and hurt our person and still be enough, still be loved, still receive compassion. And even if your spouse has zero clue about wounded parts, you can still change your approach and your responses to show them love.
This is how one person can change the dance here. And when you do shift how you show up, remember, this isn't just for them. It's setting you up to finally be heard. They can't hear you when they're triggered and those parts show up. And it's for your marriage as a whole, because even when one person is doing the work, the dynamic just can't stay the same. So next time they go into, I can't get anything right, pause, breathe, and remember, there's a little person inside that really wants to be seen for all the good they do.
You have so got this. And in one week, I'm going to put out another podcast sharing another angle of this to help you if this is something in your marriage. I am sending so much love into your day. If you've been loving the pod, you know that I would love if you took less than a minute to leave a five-star rating in review. It means the world to me. It lets me know you're loving it and it sends love ripples out into the world. Thank you so much for being here. And remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. So let's have a super intentional week. Bye.
