Lindsay (00:00)
I so often hear from both men and women that they would love their spouse to take accountability. And if you can relate, there's a good chance you feel blamed, like you're the one causing all the problems in your marriage, and it's super frustrating that your person won't own their part. It can feel like they're not even aware of the hurtful things that they do. What I'm sharing today might not be what you usually hear, but there truly is a lot you can do to start hearing your spouse own their stuff, even if they're not the one listening to relationship podcasts to make your marriage better.
I am Lindsay, this is Loving With Intention. Let's dive in so you can ask yourself one important question that you might not have asked before, and it actually opens up the door to things changing. So there is so much that we can say on this topic and honestly so much you can do. So I obviously can't tell you how to make your spouse take accountability, but you have way more influence that you might think. If I asked you right now to reflect on your entire relationship with so much compassion for yourself, would you say that you're a safe
person to apologize to. And when I say safe, I'm really going to break down what that means. But I realize right out the gates, you might be thinking, how would me or my person know if I'm safe if they don't apologize or take accountability? Like you haven't even had the chance to be a safe landing place for that accountability. So I'm definitely going to get into that too. First, what do I mean by safe? I mean, if your spouse says,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I kept cutting you off. I was wrong to pick apart the way you were doing that thing. I shouldn't have gotten so defensive when you were telling me what you were mad about. How do you receive any of those things? For some people, they hear an apology and they actually get even more triggered, which sounds kind of backwards, but it actually makes a ton of sense because yes, it's accountability, but it's also bringing up the very thing that triggered you in the first place. So say your spouse is like, I shouldn't have cut you off when you were talking and you're like, you always do that.
That right there, while it happens for such an understandable reason, it doesn't create safety for them to own their stuff. They learn, consciously or subconsciously, when I own it, my person criticizes me. They just get more mad. So it would make sense that over time, they would stop owning it. If you resonate with this, I am not saying that you are the cause of your person's non-accountability, not at all. I'm saying the power that you have to change what goes on is to look at how you contribute to the whole dynamic.
It takes two of you in your marriage to create your dynamic, so we're just looking at your role. Maybe it's not criticism though. Maybe they own it and you say something like, I'm done, and you go quiet.
This also sends them the message, taking accountability results in disconnection. Things get worse. Or maybe it's not quiet, but you start to bring up other times that they've cut you off, you start rehashing other scenarios. When people react to accountability in any of these ways, it's not just due to being triggered, but it can also feel like, ⁓ my person's taking accountability. They're owning it, they're listening.
This is my chance to tell them how much it hurts and how much I don't like it. This is my chance for them to get it, which makes so much sense if you haven't felt heard around this thing before. And unfortunately, when we're triggered, we tend to express this in really unhealthy ways that just add fuel to the fire that your person was trying to put out by taking accountability.
If you do react in any of those ways, and there's obviously a ton of variations of what it could look like, it's actually good news because you can shift to become a safe space, even if your person isn't actively trying to apologize or take accountability right now. So let's talk about what that safe space looks like before we talk about the spouse who literally doesn't take accountability or apologize and maybe never has. In order to create safety, we want to receive accountability with love. They tell you, I was wrong to cut you off. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. And you say, thank you.
I appreciate that. And if you do want to share your experience when they do that, you want to share, you know, how it makes you feel when they do that, that's totally okay. I just want to set you up for success and being heard and it takes a little extra intention. If you were to say, I appreciate that, it makes me so mad when you do it, I feel like I can't get my thoughts out and like you don't care what I'm saying. That's actually pretty solid way. It's pretty good, pretty good way to express your experience and...
because it's really vulnerable to take accountability, even that solid effort can be received as backlash to your person. It's like, okay, I just apologized and now they're coming at me with why it was so bad what I did. It would make sense if they then get triggered
And then you've likely got another argument on your hands and probably a lot more things that you could both apologize for. And if you're like, well, that's on them. If I'm expressing it well, they need to figure that out. I totally get that. And the reality is both husbands and wives do that. see both husbands and wives get triggered by the very same thing. They own their stuff, their person says they appreciate it, and then they express how it made them feel. And then the person who apologized gets triggered.
they get reactive. It's a super human experience. And knowing this, setting you up for success and also creating that safe space, you just get to add one little thing before you say how you felt about them cutting you off. So I really appreciate you apologizing. Can I tell you how it makes me feel so that I know that you get it and we can work on this together? That right there, you are explicitly letting them know your intentions behind sharing your feelings and your experience. You wanna share so that you know that they understand.
and you're saying, I wanna work on this together. You're not trying to make them the bad guy, it is not to get into a fight, it is not to shoot down the apology, it's I accept and appreciate your accountability and I wanna share my experience too. And the together part, that's what a thriving marriage looks like. You both working on healing your stuff and supporting each other to heal and change patterns, it can be a really beautiful thing. So let's circle back to if you reflect on your whole relationship and your person hasn't taken accountability,
or apologized. This can totally be true. I work with plenty of men and women who share that taking accountability is really hard for them. And often accountability has happened. We've just missed it. Or maybe we haven't recognized it for what it is. In the middle of arguments, sometimes messy apologies come out. The kind that sound like, sorry, I kept cutting you off when you were talking. I was really tired after work.
That right there, it's pretty easy to hear that as an excuse or a justification for the apology. When we add on a reason why we did the thing that hurt, it takes the oomph and the genuineness out of the apology. So for you, you might be thinking, my person always makes excuses. The really interesting thing though, when I talk to both men and women, a very common occurrence they tell me is, I apologize to my spouse, my spouse is still mad, they don't accept it, they just keep coming down on me.
When I ask them about their apology, I hear this version I just shared a lot. It's kind of like the classic I'm sorry, but, but the but is removed. But still, that was a lot of buts, but still, the reason is there. So I'm sharing this because these humans sharing this with me, they are amazing and they walk away from these experience feeling like I just gave a genuine apology but my person won't accept it. They aren't realizing that it wouldn't have sounded genuine at all. It would have sounded laced with excuses.
This could be happening in your marriage or it could have been happening in the past. We just never learn how to do this stuff so it makes sense that it comes out messy. It also makes sense that it's not received well. Then comes the thing that blew my mind that I've talked about before. It's apology languages. When you think of accountability, you might not think apology,
but taking ownership and accountability is actually one of the five apology languages. And that piece, so important, it's one of five. There are four others expressing regret, saying I'm sorry for, making a plan for change, making up for what happened, and requesting forgiveness. What this means is that we have a top one or two that we really resonate with that feels genuine to us. So for example, mine is expressing regret, so I need to hear my husband is sorry for the thing in order for it to land in my heart.
So if he were to use a different apology language, maybe he asks for forgiveness. That's one of them. So he comes to me and he says, will you forgive me for what I did? Sure, maybe that's nice and all, or maybe I don't recognize it as an apology at all because I'm waiting for I'm sorry for.
So for you, if accountability is what you need to hear and your wife's been speaking an apology language that is meaningful for her, in the past or now, it's pretty easy to get your wires crossed and not even recognize that she's been saying these things.
And that brings us to what if you're still like, no, I really don't think my person has taken accountability or maybe they used to, but now that ship has sailed. Makes sense. It's super frustrating and that you would love to hear it. You deserve it. It helps strengthen marriage. It's part of repair. It builds trust. It's so important. And after listening to this, you might be ready to like be in that safe space. Like I can create a safe space. I can receive it with love. I can get curious about her apology language or his apology language so I can listen for it.
But I know that you can't really do that if they actually aren't apologizing. One really great place to start then is to bring up a curious conversation outside of a triggered moment about repair and accountability. Find out your apology language. I do this with all my clients. I will share a link to Dr. Gary Chapman's quiz below.
Share with your spouse, I just realized there's apology languages. I had no idea. I'm realizing there's a good chance I haven't been apologizing to you in a way that is actually meaningful for you. Invite her to take the quiz, find out what's meaningful. And if you're like, how does that help with them taking accountability? This is starting to create safety around repair. For things to change, we really need to start with one action step.
So with everything I've shared today, I hope that you can see that there's a possibility that things aren't always what they seem. This is a great place to start, to start this conversation around apologies and repair, so you can start experiencing something new in your marriage. You have so got this.
And if this has been helpful and you've been loving the podcast, I would so appreciate a five star rating and review. It helps get the pod into more hearts. I appreciate you so much and I am sending so much love into your day. Just remember that nothing changes if nothing changes.
You can grab my free roadmap in the show notes today. It is 17 pages that will guide you through exactly where to start on top of having this apology language conversation today. Sending so much love, bye.
