Lindsay (00:00)
If you've been here before, you know that I talk about how appreciation is a game changer in marriages. So you've probably gotten intentional with it. And maybe for you, nothing is changing. Maybe you've seen your spouse seem more entitled because you're giving appreciation. Maybe they just ignore you when you say the thing that you appreciate. Maybe they roll their eyes. I can see how that would be pretty frustrating and feel pretty pointless. Like Lindsay said, this would make a difference, but it's not. So what does that mean about my marriage?
I want to assure you today that it doesn't mean that you're doomed. I am Lindsay. This is Loving With Intention. Let's dive in because the truth is appreciation is one piece of a much bigger picture. And without what we're talking about today, it will keep falling flat if it has been.
So, thinking of your relationship like a bank account, a love account, if you will, every appreciation, it's a deposit. You're putting something positive into the account. Regardless of your spouse's response, appreciation is positive. And if you zoom out and look at the whole week and you're like, okay, I gave that appreciation every day, but I was also totally shut down on Tuesday and Wednesday. I was in like a really bad mood.
I withdrew, I retreated to another room, I snuck off to bed early, and then we had an argument on Thursday and I totally lost my cool. I actually yelled if I'm being honest. And then that led to another day of withdrawing. The rest of the week we were pretty snappy back and forth. If you see any version of that, bigger or smaller, bring in so much love, those things, they're withdrawals to your love account. So while you are making those appreciation deposits, you're also draining the account at the very same.
So it makes sense why the appreciations aren't landing or sticking or creating change. I say this with all of the compassion in the whole entire world because we all bring unhealthy patterns to our relationships, your spouse included, We are just focusing on you today because you're here wanting things to be better. So I've so got you in that. Now, the Gottman Institute says that the antidote to contempt is a culture of appreciation and respect.
And I have to highlight that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. So you can probably understand why I'm always popping off about appreciation. Today, we're zoning in on that respect piece though. This is part of the bigger picture that I'm talking about. Respect shows up in your tone, how you react or respond when you get triggered or upset, how open you are to hearing their thoughts and feelings, your willingness to take accountability, to validate and so much more.
Appreciation without respect means you're actually working against yourself. The truth is when respect is missing, appreciation can start to feel hollow. It can even feel unsafe to your person's nervous system to receive. So when you find yourself thinking appreciation isn't changing anything, this doesn't work in my marriage, this is the perfect moment to check in on how you create or take away from respect.
So this really doesn't mean that you've been doing appreciation wrong or that it doesn't matter. It also doesn't mean your spouse is ungrateful. It just means there's more going on in the dynamic between the two of you. Appreciation builds connection, but respect can be the missing piece that makes that connection actually land and be deeply felt. When you start to intentionally work on both, your marriage can look so much different.
And if you haven't yet grabbed my free guide, my free love journey roadmap that shows you step by step, how do we increase respect, emotional safety and connection in your marriage? You can grab that in the show notes. It is there waiting for you. It is free. I recommend you dive in.
And if you're anything like I was years ago, you are listening to these podcasts wishing that your spouse would be listening to them too. I so get that. And in my experience, it often is just one person who feels ready to make the change first. I have many women and men who reach out when their person isn't interested in coaching or growth work or working on things at all. The good news is you don't need your spouse on board to start seeing a different dynamic in your marriage. You really don't.
If that were the case, I would literally have to turn away every individual who reaches out for support because there's just nothing I could do to support them. Thank goodness there actually is hope. And I created the roadmap specifically with individuals in mind. It's great for couples as well. And you can totally dive in solo.
I encourage you to keep going with those intentional appreciations and you also get to dive deeper into your own growth work in a really meaningful way and you can do this with the roadmap. You have so got this. And if you've been loving the podcast, I would love a five-star rating or review. It really helps the pod reach more hearts and it lets me know that you're loving it. I appreciate you so, so much. I am sending so much love into your day. Just remember that nothing changes if nothing changes.
So let us have a super intentional week. Bye.
