Lindsay (00:00)
I am coming in hot with an unpopular opinion today. I hear so often that people shouldn't want their spouses to change, that you should just be happy with who they are and not expect change, that wishing for change means you're not accepting them. And to be honest, I don't actually buy this. I'm Lindsay, this is Loving With Intention. Let's dive in and talk more about this popular messaging that positions you as selfish or controlling.
when your desire for your spouse to change actually makes complete sense to me. So I absolutely have clients tell me what they wish that their spouse would change, and I validate the heck out of that. Every marriage has things that aren't working, and of course, you recognize the things that don't feel good and the things that you know that you would love. That doesn't make you a bad partner. Wanting your spouse to show up in kinder, more loving ways is not controlling. It is you looking at your marriage and desiring what you thought things would look like.
when you said, do. And let's be real, you deserve to feel respected and desired and connected and appreciated, like you and your spouse are best friends and you're on the same team. So right now, if you think about your marriage and you wish for things to look way better, I hope that you can bring in so much freaking love for yourself. It makes so much sense. And not only does it make sense, I think it's super powerful. I feel like so fired up. I think it is super powerful.
to have this vision of what you would love in your marriage from your wife, from yourself, from your marriage as a whole. And then you're really clear on what's not working and you also have this vision that you can move toward. And there is definitely a way to start seeing your spouse change, seeing them become softer and kinder, more appreciative, respectful. They're happy to see you, they listen to you, they share things with you, they desire you. And I know it is super logical to think,
in order for them to change, they need to want to change and work on themselves. That makes so much sense. It's also another message that we're fed. But the truth is, for so many people, you're going to be waiting forever for that to happen and feeling more miserable by the day. So instead, you can choose to do the thing that actually works, which if you've been here before, you know that is focusing on yourself and not in a like, screw this marriage, I'm only looking out for me kind of way.
but in a make sure you're actually showing up as the spouse that you see in that future vision of your marriage kind of way. It is so okay for you to want your spouse to show up in healthier ways. And the quickest road there is to start showing up in healthier ways yourself. And when I say the quickest road there, like literally imagine a road. Just imagine that you're walking along and you come to a Y in the road. If you look ahead on both of these roads, you can clearly see that if you veer right, your thriving marriage is that way.
Which means this is a choice point.
You could totally choose to do the same old thing, wishing for your spouse to change without taking intentional action, and that's one step veering to the left. Or you could take one step down the right path, the actual right way, right and right, Literally and figuratively choosing to do something that is more aligned with the spouse that you see in that thriving marriage.
And here's why this actually works. When you show up differently, more confident, more present, more appreciative, more intentional with healthier patterns, you are literally changing the dynamic of your marriage.
your spouse won't be responding to the same person anymore, they're gonna be responding to a different version of you. And that's when the dynamic shifts. Their role in it shifts too. It is not magic, this is psychology. You can change the energy. The relationship then changes with it. And take it from me, I spent years trying to change my husband back when we were dating, telling him what I didn't like, pointing out what he wasn't doing well or doing right, quote unquote, hoping that he would finally get it. It didn't work.
I just felt more frustrated and he wasn't changing and he wasn't feeling very good about that either. Then I flipped it. I got a relationship coach, stopped focusing on him and started looking at me. How was I showing up? Was I being the kind of partner that I wanted him to be to me? Was I creating connection or was I really contributing to the distance? When I changed my approach, when I became softer, more patient, more curious, more intentional,
everything shifted. He started showing up differently and it wasn't because I finally convinced him, but because I changed the dynamic. I changed the system. And suddenly he was becoming the partner that I had been wanting all along, like for real in the exact ways that I had been wishing for. So I put together a free guide. It's like your relationship manual and it walks you through exactly where to start.
It shows you the specific moves that shift the dynamic the fastest, the ones that actually work. So you can grab that free guide, the free love journey roadmap in the show notes here. This is the manual that I wish I had back when I was like spinning my tires, trying to change him instead of changing myself. And I will say it again, you are not a bad person for wanting things to change, for wanting your spouse to change. You deserve it. And you get to start in the place that sets you up for success to stop feeling stuck and start.
feeling loved. Thank you so much for being here. If you have been listening along and you're enjoying the podcast, if you could go leave a five star rating and even write a quick little review, That would be absolutely amazing. It gets the podcast into more hearts. I am sending so much love into your day. And remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. So you can wish for that change. You can paint that vision for the future and you could grab the roadmap in the show notes.
to get started on having a super intentional week. Bye.
