Lindsay (00:00)
Do you ever have the experience where you are sitting with your spouse and they think everything's fine just chatting away but you're still thinking about a hurtful comment that they made like days ago and you're wondering is now the moment that I say something? But you have brought up hurt feelings before and your spouse just gets defensive. So you sit there and the lump in your throat gets bigger and then you do what so many people do. You just stuff it down and you wait for a moment that feels quote unquote right.
But that moment never comes. So instead, you tend to just blurt everything out during the next argument that you have. If you can relate to this, we get to bring in so much love around this. You are stuck in a cycle that I call the storm spiral. I am Lindsay. This is Loving With Intention. Let's dive in, because there is a way out. So I really want to paint a picture here. Every time you swallow those feelings, because things are going well, and you don't want to wreck a good moment,
you're actually creating the perfect conditions for your next argument to start. Because when you bury things, they don't actually go away. You still feel hurt. So slowly, maybe you start snapping at your spouse, you're distant, you're moody, maybe you're just staring at your phone while they're talking to you. And if you're being honest, part of you sometimes hopes that they just notice your mood and that they know what that's about and then they apologize, but that doesn't tend to happen. And then a big storm hits.
One of you gets triggered, an argument starts, and on the surface, you're arguing about something else entirely, like whatever just came up, but really, you're fighting about everything that you've been holding in. Your nervous systems in this moment are in full flight or flight mode. You can't think clearly, you can't access empathy. In this state, feeling connected and understanding each other is totally out the window. Yet, this is when we tend to unload our work feelings that we've been holding onto.
So on top of what you're arguing about now, now there's all this other stuff getting thrown in, but that just makes your spouse even more mad. And it makes all the sense in the world that we do this. When you're holding in those hurt feelings all week, you're trying to avoid an argument just like this. But now that the argument is actually happening, there's nothing left to avoid. So you might as well take the opportunity to bring it up. And even this is subconscious too. It's not like you're thinking.
this is the thing that I was avoiding. Now it's happening. I'll just bring it up. It just happens. Unfortunately though, you definitely don't feel heard because both of your nervous systems are in full-blown, I am being attacked by a bear mode. So when do you bring things up? And how do you do it without another argument starting? The first step, regulate your nervous system first. So before you approach your spouse, you want to take care of yourself.
when you're thinking about something that hurt and you really want to talk about it, maybe you won't repair, you just want to be heard, take care of you, do some deep breathing, do a little pep talk, calm your energy down. Because if you approach your spouse feeling really anxious, their nervous system is going to notice and react to your energy. They don't even consciously need to notice that you're anxious. Our nervous systems are always looking for threats. So, am I safe? Am I okay?
So, their alarm bells start going off like something's wrong, you need to protect yourself and then they start getting dysregulated too. Have you ever been like having a totally fine time with your spouse and then suddenly their facial expression changes or their tone shifts? Your body feels this before you even consciously notice it. So, knowing this when you take the time to regulate before you bring up hurt feelings, you're setting yourself up for success to be heard because it is so, so hard to hear when our nervous systems are at full-blown protection mode.
Step two, go in with connection as your goal. Not just being heard, not getting an apology, connection. That is the main goal. And the reason for this is when humans hear that they upset their person, humans get triggered. We start to tell ourselves things like, they're blaming me, I can't get anything right, I'm always the problem, don't they know what they did? Again, this is all protection mode, this is a human experience.
So instead, if you come in seeking connection, instead of making your spouse the bad guy, their nervous system has a chance to actually stay regulated. If their nervous system knows like, I'm not the bad guy, then they don't have to protect themselves. So then they can access empathy. They can actually see you and hear you. So here's an example of this. Instead of saying, I was telling you something really important the other day, but you just kept staring at your phone. You always do that and I hate it.
That right there, it's kinda coming in hot and it makes so much sense that you want to be heard, of course, and this approach is likely to get your spouse's defenses up. So trying instead, I love you and I appreciate how hard you've been working lately and that you really need downtime. The other day when I was telling you about what happened with my mom and you kept looking at your phone, I felt really frustrated and alone. I know it was not intentional. You're just caught up in what you're doing, which I totally get and...
I would love if you could put your phone down when I'm telling you something. And I'll do a better job of letting you know when I want your attention and that it's really important and also putting my phone down when you're talking too. So we can see the difference here. In the second one, you brought in love and appreciation right up front. You shared facts and feelings and not blame. You used and instead of but because but tends to kind of erase or make everything before it less important.
You chose to look for their best intentions. You painted the dream of what you would love instead of what you don't want. You took personal responsibility. My goodness, just in those few sentences, that is so much love there. And when you share like that, they are so much more likely to hear you. They hear that you feel upset about something and you still love them, which speaks directly to the nervous system.
The third step is be consistent. When you change patterns and start approaching in this new way, your spouse might not respond the way that you hope that they will. The first few times or first many times, they are used to the old dance. When you do something new, they might still get defensive. They might show up in the old way. They might shut down. That's not a sign that it won't work. It's actually part of the process. If they do get reactive, which I know is the very thing that you are trying to avoid, this is where you get to circle back to step one, regulate.
Breathe, stay open and curious, and then back to step two, stay on a mission for connection. Know that they are reacting because their nervous system is getting triggered.
Consistency creates a new pattern that becomes the new normal. And now you might be thinking, I'm the one who's frustrated and feeling unheard. Why am I giving them all of this love? I love to just imagine the roles reversed. Imagine you snapped at your partner the other day because you are totally human and it happens. They asked you a simple question, you took it personally, you got defensive and you were critical with them. And now they come to you with appreciation, validation, their feelings, their dreams.
They own their piece too. They choose to see you for your best intentions in that moment. Just let that sink in. Just imagine that scenario where they are like just coming in, sharing their feelings, but also giving you so much understanding and love. It feels so freaking good. You are way more likely in that moment to respond in a loving way to that approach. And that's why you get to go first.
Because I'm guessing when I said all of that about imagining your spouse approaching you in that way, you were probably like, well, that would never happen. If that's true, then you really could just be stuck waiting around forever for them to start showing up in healthier ways, which means staying stuck in this place, in your marriage, where you don't feel like you can even bring anything up without it going sideways. So instead, you get to choose to empower yourself and go first and create a positive ripple effect. And over time,
You get to see them start showing up in healthier ways too. And I know that this sounds hard to believe. And I love to ask what sounds easier to believe, that if you change nothing, they're just gonna start showing up in more loving ways, or if you start changing your patterns, that they're gonna start feeling better, more respected, more seen, and start doing the same. I vote the left.
And I vote that not only because it sounds way more likely, but it's what I found in my relationship and what my individual clients see as well. You don't have to go first, you get to go first. There is a huge difference there and it feels so good to show up in healthier ways and start seeing that ripple. I know this new approach might feel weird or awkward at first and if we look at evidence from the past, it shows us what hasn't worked. So we get to choose to shift things.
Remember, no one is heard in a storm spiral. When you bring up hurt feelings when you're both dysregulated, the result is more hurt feelings. But when you bring things up in a calm, connected moment, your partner is regulated so they are physiologically able to hear you. So your intentional action this week is to grab my free roadmap in the show notes. This will help set you up for success in those moments where you do these new steps and they might not respond in the healthiest way. So change is so possible here.
And if you are loving the podcast and you think that this would be helpful for someone, I would so appreciate if you would share this with a friend.
That means that you are being part of spreading more lovable in the world because this gets to get into more ears and more hearts. I appreciate you so much. Thank you so much for being here. I'm so much love into your day. Remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. So grab that roadmap and let us have a super intentional week. Bye.
