Lindsay (00:00)
My husband doesn't talk about his feelings. My husband barely tells me anything that's going on in his head. He won't bring up anything that bothers him. He won't even talk about his childhood with me. He just doesn't open up. Do any of these things resonate with you? Because I hear these things often from women that I work with or women who just reach out to me. They share that they feel really disconnected and they want depth in their connection with their husband, but it's missing because he won't open up. There are so many reasons that this happens and today I want to focus on just one of those reasons.
because it's the one that you can start doing something about. I am Lindsay. This is Loving With Intention. Let's dive in. So you can start feeling closer and more connected to your husband because that feels so good. So I know at this point you might find yourself thinking he will never open up because you literally can't picture having the kinds of conversations with him that you would love to have.
You can sit down with your friends and you can talk about childhood stuff. You can talk about the impact that it's had on you today. You can talk about deep things, but you can't do that with your husband and you want it so much.
And if you can picture this happening, makes so much sense that you might think that things will never change because you probably have lots of evidence of him not opening up, not talking about deep things. No matter how hard you try, he just shuts down and he certainly doesn't bring things up on his own.
So like I said, there are a lot of potential underlying reasons why he might not open up. Like it can stem from childhood, past experiences, his nervous system, how he's learned to deal with stress and conflict, and so much more. But the thing that I want to focus on today is it's not just about him and his past. It's about what happens in the moment when he tries to open up to you. Because even if he wants to be vulnerable, even if he's ready to share, if he doesn't feel safe in that moment, he won't do it.
and the safety he feels depends on how you respond, which is actually really good news because it means that you can really lean in and create safety. I say, create a safe space, quote unquote, a lot when working with clients. And when you hear me say that right now, you might think, I do create a safe space. And then you might just go back to thinking that he'll never change. So today is an invitation to explore this whole safe space thing even deeper so you can feel more hopeful than hopeless. So.
Think of a time that your husband has shared something, even the smallest thing. Maybe he's telling you he's frustrated with his boss, or that he talked to his mom and she was complaining about the same old thing.
Think of one of these moments or a moment like them. When he shares, how do you respond? Do you go into fix it mode? Do you try to defend the person that he's talking about? Do you barely pay attention and just mumble a response? Do you get critical of him because he's complaining again? So I really want to paint a picture here so you can put yourself in the scenario. So just imagine your husband saying, my boss was going off at work again about us not meeting the deadlines, but it's impossible to get all that stuff done.
you might respond with, well, do you think you could just talk to him after work tomorrow? So this is trying to fix things.
Or you might respond with, can totally see his point. He's probably under so much pressure from his boss. So now you're defending him. You might just be like, that sucks while you're scrolling on your phone. So you're barely listening. Or you might criticize him and say, I just want to talk about something positive. You're always so negative. If any of those sound familiar or any variation of those, it is so important to bring in so much love and compassion. Underneath all of these responses are your own beautiful valid needs.
These kinds of responses that we have, they are just unhealthy strategies to try to get those needs met. But that's a conversation for another day. Actually, you can grab my free Love Journey roadmap where I dig into how to wonder and look under these unhealthy patterns that we all have so that we can find the needs and actually change them. So it's one of the first things that I do with all of my clients because it is absolutely necessary for change. So you can just grab that in the show notes, the Love Journey roadmap. But back to these examples, of course,
just because there are beautiful valid needs under your responses, it doesn't mean they create a safe space. It's so easy to miss the ways we might not be creating a safe space. So it's so great that you are here and you are listening. So let's go deeper. It can seem like your husband is just complaining. But what if you reframed this and thought about this and looked at it like he's trying to sort through his thoughts and emotions with you. He's choosing to share this with you. Then it becomes less about the problem itself.
and more about what he's really feeling in the moment and an opportunity for connection. Your husband is actually giving you a glimpse into his inner world, his frustration about his boss, his overwhelm with his mom complaining about the same thing again. Whatever it is, if we see under the surface, there's so much more there. It's truly an opportunity for connection.
And when you fix, defend, ignore, or criticize, it shuts down that connection. Maybe he then defends, or he gets critical, he gets annoyed, he gets frustrated, or he just stops talking. The moment is lost. And deeper than the moment, when this happens repeatedly, like most things do in relationships, he might start asking himself, what's the point? And maybe he's not literally asking himself that, but subconsciously, he learns, when I share things, my wife doesn't listen.
or my wife just tells me I'm wrong or take someone else's side or gives me solutions. With this subconscious message running for him, it makes a whole lot of sense that your husband doesn't open up about deeper things like his childhood or really vulnerable feelings or telling you what he would love or telling you the things that hurt him. If I can't even tell her about a stressful day without it going sideways, I'm definitely not going to tell her the stuff that's a lot harder to talk about. Again, this could just be running in his subconscious.
not that he's making a conscious choice. I have heard from men that I work with that they didn't even realize it was a big reason they stopped sharing until we explored it. And I've worked with women who this really clicked for. They realized they always go into fix-it mode or that they just get really annoyed
and they started to change things and so their husbands start to open up about little things and even more vulnerable things. So let's talk about how to turn things around. First of all, the fact that you're getting curious about this for right now is a huge step. And after you've thought about it and identified the ways that you do respond often, it's time to get intentional with it. The most beautiful gift that we can give someone when they're sharing something is to truly listen, to hold space for them, to create a safe space. That might look like saying something like, boss did that again.
So you're reflecting back to them what you heard and you're asking a question. There's no fixing, no defending, no criticizing. You're engaged. And maybe he shares more. He tells you what his boss says. He might even tell you how he felt. I was so pissed off. This is the perfect time for validation. It makes sense you're pissed off. He's been so hard on you
Or, of course you're pissed off, that's way too much work to do. Feeling validated is amazing, it literally speaks right to the heart and it actually speaks right to the nervous system and relaxes the nervous system. You might see his shoulders relax, his face soften, a lot of the time that's exactly what we need, that validation. Like, okay, my feelings make sense. And then appreciation. I appreciate you telling me what's going on or I appreciate how hard you work, especially with all that going on. Appreciation is so full of love.
So that was reflecting back in some way, then validating the feelings. And if he doesn't say the feelings, guessing, I mean, you could probably feel the energy that he has and then appreciating. So this beautiful little combo creates a safer space. And of course, this doesn't mean it's going to be like, boom, boom, boom, back and forth. Like he says something, I reflect. He says something, I validate. He says something, I appreciate. There might be a lot of reflecting back or a lot of validation, a lot of appreciation, a lot of pure listening.
Imagine how much differently this conversation could go. So often we really do just want to be heard when we're sharing. That is connecting.
When I think about sharing something challenging with my husband or texting my sister about something, most of the time I don't want an answer. I don't want to fix. And usually when I do want those things, I now say, what do think I should do or what would you do or help me out with this? Most of the time, I just want to be seen. I just want to be known. I just want to save space because it brings connection and healing. And it keeps me coming back to share more and more when that space is there. It's really not about having the perfect response. It's about showing your husband, I hear you. I'm on your side.
I'm with you
And of course, there are nuances to this, just like there always are. And I can only cover so much in a short podcast episode. So in getting intentional with this, you can really open the door to all kinds of conversations that you want to have with your husband. And safe spaces aren't just for when they're venting or frustrated about something. Safe spaces are for when he's telling you about something he cares about, even if it's not really an interest of yours or when he's sharing a memory with you, even if it's something that you've heard a million times before.
These are incredible moments to lean in, reflect, validate and appreciate and just be engaged and always stay curious. Curious about what's underneath, what he's sharing. It really keeps your heart open. So your intentional action for the week is to be on the lookout for an opportunity to really hear him, to reflect and validate and appreciate, to create the connection that you've been wanting. You're so amazing for leaning into this. And if you've been loving the pod, I would so appreciate if you would leave a five star rating and a review.
It really, really, really makes a difference, and I appreciate every single one of you who already has. I am sending so much love into your day. Thank you so much for being here. Remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. So let's have a super intentional week. Bye.
