Lindsay (00:00)
If you've ever worried that the bickering, the fighting, the distance, or the tension in your marriage might be affecting your kids, this one is for you today. So I'm obviously not a parenting expert. I am a relationship coach. But here's what I know for sure. Your kids learn how to be in relationships long before they ever have one of their own. When I am working with couples and individuals and we're looking at their triggers, their unhealthy patterns, the ways they respond to each other, we see very clear links back to their childhoods again.
and again, and again, and again. And I get to hear what happened in their early relationships that shaped the patterns that they're living out now.
And knowing that gives me insight into what you can do to instill healthier patterns in your kids, and it starts with your marriage and how you show up. I am Lindsay. This is Loving with Intention. Let's dive in and explore some patterns that might be forming or might have formed already. We are bringing in all of the love and all of the compassion here as always.
And let us be super clear right out of the gates, it is impossible to give your kids a quote unquote perfect childhood. There is no such thing. You are going to have hard days, hard times. You're gonna say things that you wish you hadn't said. You're gonna get dysregulated. They're gonna see you and your spouse playing out unhealthy patterns and so much more. My favorite psychologist said, your kids will definitely need therapy. It's just a matter of how much they'll need. And I loved this because really the message under that is even when a kid
knows that they are loved and had a pretty good childhood, they're going to be affected by things. That is just life. So many of my clients say I didn't have a bad childhood and still they learned unhealthy patterns. It just is. So we get to bring in so much love. And I often have clients say my kids are teenagers already. They have seen so much fighting between us or they've seen us living like roommates or they've seen us giving each other the silent treatment. So many times I've heard this and these parents can feel like it's too late for
any of their new positive changes to have an impact on their kids, which I totally get because they care so much and they wish they had shown up in healthier ways and it's not too late. That would be like saying it's too late to start eating healthy because you've already had years of unhealthy eating. Your body still benefits from the shift, so rest assured, your kids will still benefit too, even if they're older. So if you hear anything here that brings up a feeling of regret or, crap, we did that.
or we do that, meet that feeling with so much love, this moment right now, it's an opportunity, it's not too late. So quick note before we go further, as always, my content is not for unsafe or abusive relationships. So if you're experiencing that, please reach out for support. I'm going to break down today two common patterns that I see in marriages and the way kids adopt the same patterns. This is something we have all heard before, but let's let it really, really sink in.
Your kids don't learn how to be in the world or in relationships from what you tell them. They learn from what they see and experience. So the first thing I notice is around appreciation. You can tell your kids to be grateful all day long. You can nudge them to say thank you when somebody does something for them. You can feel frustrated when they don't express appreciation and even tell them that they need to. The truth is, if they aren't seeing genuine appreciation and thank yous between you and your spouse,
this has a huge impact on how they show up. Bless them truly, they are like little mirrors. So when my clients start focusing on bringing in appreciation regularly with each other, I encourage them to express it in front of their kids and to their kids. You can grab my free super powered appreciation in the show notes. This is a really, really intentional way to bring in appreciation. It's more than just a thank you. It's more than just I appreciate. It is a quick but deep way to express gratitude that actually rewires your brain.
for more appreciation. So the second pattern that I often see around apologizing, I have worked with so many clients who have had a hard time apologizing to their spouse, even when they actually do feel bad and they do feel sorry. When we reflect back to childhood, there's a link. Maybe it's that they don't remember apologies happening at all. So a fight would happen, their parents would be bickering, there would be tension, but then no one would repair or address it and they would just eventually go back to their version of normal.
Of course, in adulthood, that would play out in the very same pattern. That's what was modeled, beliefs were formed around apologies, it makes perfect sense. Maybe when they reflect back, they remember being forced to say sorry to their siblings when there was a situation. But in that forcing, no one heard their feelings, their experience, or saw them for their best intentions. So now, as an adult, apologizing feels really risky. The belief under there might be...
If I apologize, I'm saying they did nothing wrong and my feelings aren't valid. It makes so much sense that this would just repeat. So again, when I'm working with clients around apologizing, we're working through these beliefs and blocks so that they can start repairing with each other. But I also recommend apologizing in front of their kids. If you snap at each other in front of your kids, they see that. And if the repair happens behind closed doors, they have no idea it happened at all. Also, apologizing to your kids is a big deal.
We are all human. We all hurt each other. We all show up in ways that we wish that we didn't. These are opportunities to repair and grow. You might think about your kids right now and feel frustrated that they never say sorry when they hurt their sibling, or maybe they break something at the house, or when they react. Maybe they yell, maybe they slam a door, maybe they just totally shut down. It's a really great moment to reflect. Okay, I don't see them apologizing for any of these things. Do I apologize when I'm reactive? Do I own my stuff?
Do you say to your spouse, I'm really sorry I cut you off earlier, that wasn't okay? Do you say to your kids, I'm sorry I raised my voice, I shouldn't have done that? Remember, your kids are much more likely to do what you do, not what you say. And a beautiful thing is we get to create safety around apologizing and repair. We
We get to actually grow through it. With repeated evidence, your kids can learn that when we repair, we're met with love, we reconnect, and things feel better. This is key. And I know what some of you are thinking right now. It might be, Lindsay, it's really hard to even think about appreciating my spouse. Maybe things have been really tense. Maybe you worry that they'll think everything is okay if they start hearing appreciation. And an even bigger thought right now might be...
I don't want to apologize first. They never apologize. This will make me seem like I'm fully in the wrong, that they did nothing wrong, now they're off the hook. I get that it is so hard to go first. Bless my individual clients for showing up and choosing to lean in when their partner isn't on board with working on things yet. The truth is when you start appreciating and apologizing meaningfully, you actually make it much more likely that you'll start to hear those things in return.
And you're creating a safer loving space in your marriage to talk about repair and more challenging things. In saying that, I know that knowing that so often isn't enough to change those patterns. So I'm curious, what if you shifted the why? What if you chose to do it for your kids? Not because you think your spouse maybe deserves it right now, not because everything's fine right now, but because you want your kids to see what healthy relating looks like.
You want them to see gratitude. You want them to see repair. You want them to see two people who can mess up and come back together. You want them to be an adult reflecting back on their childhood and thinking, wow, mom apologized. Wow, dad owned his stuff. Mom and dad expressed appreciation. And like I said, just one person going first, just one person going first can create a ripple effect of the other person leaning in. Just like your kids are little mirrors, your spouse is too. We all are.
I know if I'm around someone who is complaining a lot, my thoughts are likely to lean more negative, as opposed to if I'm around somebody who's seeing the good and expressing gratitude, my thoughts are more likely to have an upward spiral of goodness. Mirrors, we are all mirrors, bless us. So if you're listening to this, remember to bring in so much love around all the things. This is truly a lifelong journey and the fact that you're still watching tells me that you are committed to this journey. We get to keep growing and choosing to love.
with intention. Of course, there are many other patterns that I see play out in marriages that are directly linked to their childhood experiences. We could talk about that all day. But for now, this is such a great starting place. So your intentional action this week is to choose one of these things to focus on.
Let your kids see you express genuine gratitude to your spouse, even when things are hard.
Thank you for taking out the trash. I so appreciate you handling that today. Let them hear it and share it with them too and grab the super powered appreciation in the show notes.
and let them see you apologize and repair too. I'm sorry I snapped at you, that wasn't okay. Show them what taking responsibility looks like and own your stuff with them too. It really does leave an imprint. And remember, if doing it for your spouse feels really hard right now, shift that Y. Do it for your kids, no matter how old they are.
I am sending so much love into your day. Thank you so much for being here. If you have been loving the podcast, I definitely recommend leaving a five star rating in review because that means that more people will get to hear it and absolutely share it with a friend if you think it would be helpful. You are truly amazing for choosing to learn and grow. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. So let's have a super intentional week. Bye.
