Lindsay (00:00)
if you are someone who ever feels frustrated because your spouse does not want to listen to solutions when they're maybe complaining about something or they're feeling really upset and you do tend to go into fix-it mode, this little chat that we're having today is absolutely for you. And also, this can be really helpful if you're on the receiving end of that. Maybe you're sharing with your spouse that you feel really upset about something that happened at work or maybe it's something within your marriage.
whatever it is, if they tend to go into logic and fix it mode, what we're talking about today is super, super important to know. I am Lindsay. This is Loving With Intention. Let's just dive right in. So let's start about this. This is such an important topic and I hear this so often because there are a lot of people who will share with me, you know, I'm all about logic. I'm a problem solver.
I want to wave it through or sort of push past the emotional piece and get right to the logic because there are solutions. We can move through this
Maybe you're in the position where you have heard your spouse complain about the same thing over and over and over and over and you're kind of like, okay, something needs to change here. This is getting ridiculous. This is too much. This is a waste of energy. You want to see your person feel really happy and not feel so stressed out. You want to help them move through this thing. this is, you know, this comes from such a good place and solutions, problem solving, all of this.
super super important obviously we can make real change in our lives if we're kind of complaining about the same thing over and over again
And a really key piece here is something that is not talked about enough. When your spouse does not listen to your solutions or maybe gets upset, more upset when you bring solutions, so, you know, maybe they get loud, maybe they actually just shut down and walk away, maybe they're just like, forget it, what's the point? When this happens, this isn't them just actively choosing not to hear your solutions. There's actually more going on under the surface. This is nervous system stuff.
So you know that I'm always popping off about the nervous system because it is just quietly running the show and we, my gosh, we just don't talk about this enough. How many times can I say we don't learn this stuff enough and we don't talk about this stuff enough? Because it is so true. It is so stinking true. So what's actually going on in these moments is on a biology level. So for men and women, when we share our experience, so when we're upset and we share our emotions and we share our feelings,
and our person goes straight into fix-it mode, our nervous system under the surface is always scanning for, I safe? Am I okay? Because it needs to keep us alive. When our person breezes past our emotions and jumps into solutions without seeing us,
that actually activates the amygdala, so the reactive part of the brain. It shuts down the prefrontal cortex, the logical thinking part of the brain, and fight, flight, freeze, or fawn gets activated because this is a relational threat. So your brain does not differentiate between the kinds of threats. A threat is just a threat. So this relational threat here of I'm scanning for, am I safe, am I okay?
I'm actually not safe, I'm not okay because my person doesn't see me, they're just breezing past us and trying to fix me. That threat is interpreted as though a bear just jumped into the room. Did a bear jump? I don't know. A bear just strolled up looking very angry, stands up on its back feet. That is how your brain is interpreting it in this moment or your spouse's brain. So now the prefrontal cortex is shut down. Logical thinking is not happening. They are in full reactive mode.
This wasn't a choice. This is biology. This is what happens. So, of course, when you are trying to be helpful and it's coming from this beautiful place, they literally can't be in problem solving solution mode when that part of their brain is activated. And if you think about it, have you ever had the experience where, you know, somebody's really rushing you to do something and it's something that if you were calm and regulated, you could do just like no problem. But now you're being like,
rushed or forced or told to hurry up or there's no time left and suddenly your hands are fumbling and you're dropping things and it's not going well? That's because you're now in a reactive state. I don't know what I'm picturing here. I'm picturing something on Survivor or something. But there are real life moments where this happens and perhaps I should have thought of one before I started talking. But I can truly just imagine myself just dropping things, fumbling things when I know there's no time.
And that's because problem solving has gone offline. We're now just in reactive modes. Our nervous system is activated. So of course, we're more jittery and we're more fighty and flighty and all of those things. So what this means is there is a step that's missing before we get to problem solving. It's actually a few stretched out steps, but the key here is validation. And validation could get a really bad rap because people will often think, you know, I don't want to
Change who I am to validate I'm a logical thinker, I'm a problem solver. Those things are amazing and that gets to come after validation because if we skip it, your partner's not in problem solving mode but if you validate what you are actually doing is speaking to the nervous system. So you are, you know, you're either deactivating or helping deactivate that stress response. So maybe your spouse is sharing something with you and they're already activated because they're upset.
So when you start to lean in and validate their experience, that speaks to the nervous system and says, yes, I am safe. I am okay. You are here for me, which can start to turn down that activation and bring the prefrontal cortex, the logical thinking back online. Or maybe they aren't that upset. So they're not that triggered. They're just sharing something with you by choosing to validate first. You are actually
you are sending a safety signal to the amygdala instead of sending a threat signal by jumping into problem solving. So before we get to, and what I call it when I work with clients, is co-creating solutions. And that's often to do with things that are in the relationship that they're disagreeing on. But this comes with anything. Like I said, your spouse could be upset about anything in life. There are plenty of things that we can get triggered by, get upset by. So when we lean into this validation first, which sounds like...
It makes sense that you feel that way. It makes sense that you're upset that your sister didn't call you back when I know how much effort and time you put into your relationship. it makes sense that you're frustrated that the bank isn't giving you a straight answer. You've been on and off the phone all day. Maybe in your head you have solutions for this. So you have
ideas of what she could say to her sister or of another way to get through to the bank or you can just see it more clearly. Those are great
and your spouse isn't going to be able to hear that until you lead in with validation. Again, you are sending a safety signal to their brain and throw in some appreciation. There is never enough appreciation in our lives, so you can throw in appreciation for, you know, thank you for sharing this with me. You are creating a safe space. And what you might see in this is your spouse
relaxing a bit, their body posture changes, their facial expression relaxes, their tone changes, they're softening in because they're feeling safe and connected. And then that leaves room for solutions. But we don't want to jump right into solutions and problem solving because the truth is a lot of the time humans just want to be seen and heard, both men and women. So we just want to be able to vent or share, feel seen in our experience. It makes us feel safe and connected in our nervous systems.
And there is a place to ask. So you might say to your spouse after that, is this something that you want to brainstorm? Or are you looking for solutions? Do you want to talk this through? Or did you just want to be heard? I'm okay with either. Boom. Just like that. That creates so much safety.
So this validation piece is key on so many levels. And when we can really see it from this biology perspective, we can see just how important it is. When we are giving solutions to somebody who is trying to fight off a bear, not going to be very helpful. So we get to lean in with this connection, this safety, this strategy, which not only helps us be heard, it helps our person be heard, it helps us connect.
It's beneficial on so many levels. So validation is so, so, so key and we get to lean in and there are plenty of opportunities to practice this. So your intentional action for the week is to look for just one thing to validate. If your spouse shares something they are upset about, they share feelings with you, it might not even be your spouse. Maybe it's somebody in your life. Maybe it's a coworker. Maybe it's a boss. Maybe it's a friend. Maybe it's a sibling. Whoever it is, be on the lookout for something to validate and just try it.
just see what happens. You might feel that instinct to go into solutions or you might find yourself going into solutions and then remember, oh, I was going to validate. There's always time to take a deep breath, pull back and lean in with that validation. It's so great for your nervous system too. So I want to hear what you think about this. And if you have any questions, you can hit me up on Instagram, line.with.intention.
And if you are loving the podcast and these conversations, I would so love to hear about it.
So if you leave a five star rating and a review, that would mean the world and it would mean that this podcast gets into more ears and more hearts. I appreciate you so much. And I am sending so much love into your day. Just remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. So let's look for things to validate and let's have a super intentional week. Bye.
