Lindsay (00:00)
If you find yourself listening to relationship podcasts like this one, reading relationship tips on Instagram, reading relationship books, and you also find yourself learning these things and not necessarily putting them into practice, then first of all, you are absolutely not alone in that and there's so much out there. It can be hard to know where to start. And there's something that you can do that increases the chances
that you are going to put these new healthy habits, these new healthy patterns into practice. So I'm Lindsay, this is Loving With Intention. Let's dive in because this is something that I do with my clients. It's something that I do in my own relationship to help keep me accountable and help keep me creating these healthy patterns. And, you know, let's talk about appreciation. That's what we're going to talk about today. And sometimes when I talk about appreciation, I'm like,
my goodness, do I talk about this too much? Because I want to make sure that I am providing content that is helpful and supportive for you and helps you create a happy, healthier marriage or relationship. And I'm like, if I talk about appreciation this much, you know, is this redundant? Is this just too much? They've heard it before. And then I come back to this place of building a culture of appreciation and respect in your marriage.
is literally the antidote long term to contempt And contempt is one of the Gottman's Four Horsemen and it is something that can truly destroy your marriage. It can chip away at your marriage over time having contempt and contemptuous behaviors. So if we know that appreciation is part of the antidote to this, then it definitely bears repeating. And another piece of that is, you know, I think about how many times I've heard
the same thing over and over and over again, but I'm not doing that thing. So clearly I need to hear it again or hear it in a different way or be reminded because we are all human. So this makes all of the sense in the world. So that's why we're talking about appreciation. And if you've heard me talk about it before, I mean, if you're here, you've been here for a while. You've definitely heard me talk about it before. I'm talking about appreciation from everything from deep appreciations for moments where you're like,
my goodness, I really feel the impact of this thing that my spouse just did, all the way to the mundane appreciations about the things that they keep doing that absolutely make your life better, but the things that tend to just sort of fade into the background, the things that we just kind of expect because they just kind of happen and they're day-to-day things, they're things that, you know, need to happen in order to keep our lives moving along, like making dinners and unloading the dishwasher, taking out the garbage, all of those things. So we're talking about
the vast spectrum of appreciation. And it's just so important to be expressing it regularly, with consistency, like often, multiple times a day, getting creative about what you're appreciating. It's not a bad thing to appreciate the same thing over and over. Like, you know, I'm so happy. Say I unload the dishwasher every single day and my partner lets me know that he really appreciates that. That's fantastic. Amazing. Don't stop doing that. And when we can also get creative in that,
So that not only is our person hearing different things that we're appreciating, we are also widening our lens to see the things that we really appreciate. Like, gosh, I really appreciate that you do always fill the tank of gas. And, you know, even if we're in the car together, you're the one who gets out. That has an impact on my life. I get to stay cozy and warm. I don't have to worry about it. I know that it's taken care of and it can be really easy to not express those things.
So when you're hearing this and reflecting and thinking, okay, do I express appreciation? And if the answer is, you know, I could be expressing it more, this is where we get to go, okay, looking at the past, what is the reason? You know, what has maybe blocked you? And for a lot of people, it's just, you know, I just don't think about it. Or it takes me time to think of the thing that I appreciate and maybe it doesn't feel like a good moment.
So this is where I like to bring in, like I said, or did I say? I meant to say, this is something that seems super simple and it can be really impactful. So setting alarms. I have a couple that I work with and after the holidays they had told me, you know, we were really nailing it with the appreciations, we were on it, we were creating this pattern, we were, you know, if we missed a day we'd get back on the train.
And over the holidays, that totally faded away, which makes so much sense because the holidays are so busy. And it's like, OK, not only is it great to identify that, recommit to that, but what are we going to do to help ensure that that happens? So what I suggested then and there was put an alarm on your phone. It could be an alarm that says appreciate. It could be an alarm that is just a bunch of emojis and you know what that means.
Set the alarm for a time in that day where you know that you're going to be free. In that moment, when you get that alarm, you're on your phone, if you're with your partner, turn to them, say something that you appreciate. If you are not with them, text them, write that in there. And key here is to reset that alarm. So think about your day, the next day, and think about a time, like obviously you don't want to set it while you are going to be in a meeting or busy at work or you know it's a crazy time.
Think of a time where you're like, I know I'll have a little window there. And I am talking about a little window. Like, everything that I just said could literally take you two minutes. And if you're like, my gosh, it would take me a lot longer than two minutes to think of something that I appreciate, that totally makes sense, that's totally okay. And the good news is the more that you do it, the easier it is. Because now your brain is looking for these things. You're training your brain.
that this is something that I do regularly. I am looking for things to appreciate. So your brain's like, sweet, let me do a lot of that work for you. I'm going to look for things so that they come to mind readily and easily. And then you text your person and you give them that appreciation or you say it to them right then and there. And if you're listening to this with your spouse, it's amazing for both of you to be doing that. So that's like a guaranteed two times in the day where appreciations are flowing.
you know, when the first person sends that message, the other person could respond with a thank you and then an appreciation on top of that. So it just starts that appreciation train and creates that upward spiral of goodness because we know how important appreciation is. And I know that something that comes up a lot is if I am saying these things that I appreciate, so say you're not listening with your spouse right now and they're not into relationship growth or they wouldn't listen to a podcast like this.
something that I hear is, you know, if I am saying all of these things that I appreciate, then they're going to think that everything's okay in our marriage. They're going to think that I'm not upset about how they snapped at me or I'm not upset that they shut down when I tried to have that conversation with them. They're going to think that everything's chill, everything's okay, and I really don't want to send that message. Or you just might be like, I'm mad at them. I'm annoyed with them. I don't want to send that message. That makes all of the sense in the whole entire world. Of course, like, that's the hardest time.
to dig in and lean in and give that appreciation. And when you are loving with intention, ding ding ding, you really get to choose. It's a choice point. And what it actually does when you are giving these appreciations is it helps create an environment where you can actually talk about the things that feel hard. So imagine you are giving no appreciation. You are not seeing them for their best intentions.
They are not feeling seen for the ways that they contribute to your life, which there are many ways, just like there are many ways that you contribute to theirs and to your relationship, your life as a whole, as a couple, as a family. If they aren't feeling any of those things and then you go to, you know, bring up something that felt really hurtful or you go to have a challenging conversation that hasn't gone well in the past, it is likely to follow that same pattern.
when you are giving that appreciation and seeing them and they feel valued, appreciated, loved, all of those things, when you bring up painful things or challenging conversations, you are setting yourself up for success. I'm not saying that it's going to go perfectly, I'm just saying it has a way better chance of going well if they've been hearing the things that they do well, because then this thing isn't getting piled onto, well, you know...
thoughts of, never feel seen, they don't appreciate me, they don't even care, they don't see the things that I do, I'm always the bad guy, maybe you're even pointing out things often that they don't do in a way that you would like them or that they don't do quote unquote well, and then one more thing that is like, you know, this thing really hurt me, that can just be the straw that broke the camel's back.
Instead, it's creating that environment where you can actually bring things up. It makes conversations go so much smoother. So I 10 out of 10 recommend setting alarms. I absolutely do this. I do this when I am actively working on changing a belief that I have, whether that's about my relationship or whether that's about my life in general. I will set alarms to remind me. I set alarms to remind me if I'm in like a stage where I want to just like pause. I she probably shouldn't do this all the time, but where I'm going to like...
pause and take some deep breaths. And I, when my partner and I were starting our nightly appreciation routine, which we've been doing since April, which is almost a year. So it's like nine months that we've been doing this every single night, super powered appreciations. I just said every single night, that is not true. That is the intention and we are human. So we've definitely like fallen off and the key is recommitting.
to doing it again. And when I think about it right now, we actually haven't done it probably for like the last five days. So tonight we get to recommit and that is amazing. And I can set an alarm right now to remind me to do that, to get back into the habit. And then once I do that and it gets flowing, then it will just flow smoothly. So 10 out of 10 recommend. And I so hope that this was helpful today. Let me know, you can DM me on Instagram. And if you have been loving the podcast, I would love, love, love.
if you could leave a five star rating and a review because it really does help reach, you know, it helps the podcast reach more hearts, more ears, and that is what this is all about, spreading the love ripples. So I would appreciate that so much. So that is your intentional action. Set an alarm. Think of things to appreciate and you can even make a list as you're going along in the day. I mean, how amazing would an appreciation just like, hey, hey, here's like five things that I appreciate that you did today.
would feel so good. So that is your intentional action. I am sending so much love into your day and remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. So let's appreciate and have a super intentional week.
