Lindsay (00:00)
Your spouse says they hear you. They say they'll work on it. And then a week later, maybe a day later, maybe even just an hour later, they're raising their voice again or cutting you off mid-sentence or shutting down the second things get uncomfortable, just like they told you they wouldn't do. And you're sitting there thinking they obviously don't care, things will never change, and it feels really painful. I am Lindsay, this is Loving With Intention. Let's dive in so we can talk about what's really happening here.
and it likely has less to do with them not caring and more to do with their current wiring that can be changed. So it makes so much sense that most people think if my partner really wanted to change, they would just do it. That if they loved you enough or cared enough, they'd stop doing the things that hurt you and they would follow through on their promises to change. And I totally get it. When you've asked for the same thing over and over and nothing changes, of course, it feels like it's about you.
their love for you or your marriage and it doesn't feel good at all. It can even feel hopeless. And there's something at play here that they're probably not even aware of. We're gonna get a little sciency for a hot minute here and talk about a region of your brain called the striatum. Part of the striatum has the job to push you toward doing whatever you've always done. Because as far as your brain is concerned, if you have survived this long doing it in this way, it must be working.
So if your spouse tends to shut down when you bring up hurt feelings or when tension gets high, they've probably been doing this for a long time, likely even since childhood, so their brain is literally telling them, do this again. And there's also another part of your striatum, which is like a little reward center,
Every single time you repeat a behavior you've done before, this part of your brain releases dopamine. The dopamine hit helps your brain log this pattern as useful. It says, this got me through this moment. It felt familiar. I'm still okay. I'm still alive. The dopamine boost in this moment is like a little bookmark. Like, okay, we'll just come back to this next time that we need it. It works. So just imagine this in your marriage. We all have unhealthy patterns. I do, my fiance does, you do, your spouse does.
And these patterns, whether they're shutting down, getting critical, getting defensive, eye rolling, whatever they are, these are all unhealthy strategies to get beautiful, valid needs met. These come out when we have unmet needs and even more so when our nervous systems are triggered. And you can grab my free Love Journey Roadmap in the show notes where I deep dive this concept about what's underneath these patterns and even give you a list of possible needs underneath the hurtful patterns that we all do. And then you can get really clear about what's going on. Okay, so.
back to your spouse. When your spouse has a need that isn't being met, maybe it's a need to feel respected or heard or seen for their best intentions, they fall back on an unhealthy strategy that is a pattern for them, just like we all do at times. So usually, like I mentioned, these patterns come from way back. And when we're triggered, our brain shifts out of logical thinking, and then it relies on the easy path, which is our habits and our patterns.
So your partner raises their voice, they shut down, they keep interrupting. And the moment they do, their brain gives them a little hit of dopamine. And it's not like the kind of dopamine that we usually think about, like this feeling good rush of high vibes. It might just feel like relief, like comfort because it's familiar. It might feel like a hit of justification. It's not even that they're gonna consciously notice that hit of dopamine, but their body feels it, they experience it. It's like this sense of,
this is what I do, which feels quote unquote good, even if it doesn't feel like a rush of high vibes. Their brain is going, you're still here, you're still alive, this strategy obviously works, now here's your reward for doing it. So, as frustrating as it is to hear them say I won't do this again, and then see them do it again, and as easy as it is to assume that means that they don't want to change or that they don't care, we can see that it goes so much deeper. Their brain is literally encouraging and chemically reinforcing
the old behavior every single time they do it, even when that behavior is damaging your connection. This is one of the reasons that I encourage the couples that I work with not to say, I'll never do it again, because the truth is they very likely will. And quick disclaimer here, my content does not apply to abusive or unsafe relationships and behaviors. And also when it comes to infidelity, this is one of those never again situations for sure. And of course, there will be some people who don't care to change and they won't. What I'm talking about are the really common things
painful patterns that show up in our relationships. And what I know is that many people look like they don't care. They look like they won't change when it's not actually the reality. For me, how many times have I said, I'm gonna start working out again this week, and then I don't. Little did I know, my brain has been rewarding me for not doing it, for sticking to the same old routine. And don't worry, I am getting to what you can do to actually help change your spouse's patterns. I wanna be super clear.
Understanding how the brain works isn't an excuse for their behavior. It's not a free pass. It's not, well, it's just their brain. I guess I have to accept it. It is actually the opposite. When you actually see this on a deeper level, you can stop getting lost in the spiral of making it 100 % means something about you, and you can start showing up in a way that helps to disrupt the pattern. And it can be really helpful to remember you have this part of your brain too. We all do. Like I said with me in working out, have you ever had something like that? Like...
You know, maybe it's I'll start eating healthier tomorrow, but then tomorrow turns into tomorrow turns into tomorrow. Along the way, your brain is giving you a little dopamine hits for keeping it the same as always. It has the best intentions, but it doesn't end up being what we want it to be. So think about your own relationship patterns too. Maybe you get really defensive or you tend to talk excessively when you get upset or you get really critical. You point out what your spouse does wrong. Your stray-dom is doing its thing here too.
So when you're frustrated thinking, why do they keep doing this? Part of the answer is because their brain is rewarding them for it and your brain is doing the same for you. And this is empowering because you now know that you really have to, you get to get extra intentional changing things. And the good news is you don't have to wait for them to get on board to start seeing change. When you change how you show up in your relationship, the whole system changes. When you stop doing your familiar pattern that comes either before or after theirs, depending on the moment,
the entire system has to shift because the pattern you've both been doing, it takes two people. When one person changes their steps, the dance changes. I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts the other day, Psychology in Seattle, 10 out of 10 recommend. And Dr. Kirk said those exact words that I am popping off about all the time. When one person makes change, the system changes. I was like, yes, this is it. This is for real.
When you look at your role and how you contribute to what's not working in your relationship, that doesn't mean that their behavior is okay. It doesn't mean you caused it. It means you're looking at your side of the street, which means you have more power than you think. Because imagine if your only hope was to convince them to change. That would be very unfortunate. Instead, you get to shift the system. And since we know how hard your brain is working to keep things just as they are, this really requires intention. It takes seeing, owning, and working on your patterns.
It takes doing things to help your relationship thrive. It takes working on your nervous system. It means consciously creating a new pattern so that your brain starts falling into that one and rewarding you for that. Again, grab the free roadmap in the show notes because this is the work that I do with my clients and this guide gives you information on actionable steps to really dive in. Because here's what happens if nothing changes. Another year goes by where more resentment builds. You continue to believe they're never gonna change and you start to wonder.
is this just how relationships are? And things will just stay the same or they'll get worse. And that's the part that breaks my heart because so many relationships end, not because people don't love each other, but because we were never given the tools, the skills, the information to create a thriving relationship in the first place. And we all get stuck in these patterns that our brains keep encouraging us to do and rewarding us to do. And it feels like there's no way out.
So if you're hearing this and you're like, do want to disrupt this pattern and I want to, you know, model this and be the change and take this on myself, I know I want my spouse to make promises to change and actually follow through. And am I even doing that? So if you're like, I do want to do this, this is something I want, your intentional action is to grab the roadmap in the show notes or dig back into it if you already have it and think about one of your patterns that you want to start changing.
your partner does not have to look at the roadmap or even know it exists for you to start seeing them change. This is the best part. You have so got this.
and this brain piece, this is just one of the pieces in the show notes, I'm gonna link the episode where I talk about how you can talk to them about creating a plan for change next time that they promise they'll change something that you have seen before that just doesn't change. So check that out in the show notes too. You've so got this. If you have been loving the pod, I would so appreciate you sharing it with a friend. Let's spread those love ripples.
I am sending so much love into your day. Thank you so much for being here. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. So let's have a super intentional week. Bye.
