Lindsay (00:00)
If your marriage feels hard right now and the holidays are making it feel even worse, I see you and I want to share this reminder today that I don't think that we hear enough. I am Lindsay. This is Loving With Intention.
So number one, Barbara is meowing a lot. I do hope you can hear it because he's delightful. And number two,
I have a cold right now, so my voice is a little scratchy scratchy. my apologies for that. With this topic today, I think right out the gates, it's just important to name it. It is important to name it, the holidays can make hard feelings in your marriage feel even harder. Just saying that, acknowledging it, recognizing it, it is true, it is reality. It's like things can already feel challenging, but now, you know, everywhere you look, it's like...
Happy posts on Instagram and happy YouTube videos with Christmas traditions and you know, all of the ads are lovey and happy and the Hallmark movies are lovey and happy and have these happy endings. There's just so much Christmas spirit, which is like so beautiful. I'm talking about it like it's a bad thing, but it's so beautiful and the contrast of that when we are experiencing something painful, challenging or hard in our own relationship, it can just make it feel so much harder and
I mean, especially if you are someone who loves Christmas or has hopes and dreams for what you would love Christmas to look like, to feel like, to be like, if you love traditions, if you love all of these things and they feel dampened by your relationship not feeling good right now, of course, that's going to feel big. So just first validating that
And while you're seeing all of this happy stuff, the highlight reel going on, your reality might be that you're just going through the Christmas motions because that's what we're kind of supposed to do right now, or that's kind of the expectation. So, you know, maybe you love to go look at Christmas lights, but you and your partner just end up arguing the entire time when you're driving around and that feels so painful. Or you love to watch certain Christmas movies and your partner is scrolling on their phone while you're watching. Or you just have this vision of, you know,
maybe this year with the extended family is going to feel different. You feel like I'm going to go into this, I'm going to be aware of the usual things that come up and then you get there and it just ends up being in the same old patterns, which makes so much sense if that is the case because these are very well-worn patterns, especially with our family of origin. So that can feel really disappointing too when we have these high hopes and this vision and those things are not met. So...
that can, my goodness, it can just be so, so, so hard. And yeah, I mean, the biggest reason of this podcast and of this message, I sent this out in an email, because I just want you to know that if any of this resonates with you, if you are struggling, if it feels really hard, that the truth is that most people are not posting the hard stuff during the holidays or anytime. So they're not sharing the disappointment, the disconnection, the frustration, the challenges in their marriage, the arguments that they got in, you know.
the fight that happened before taking the family Christmas photo, all of those things, you're only seeing a sliver of some people's lives. It's not even everyone. It's this single smiling snapshot. it can look like everybody else has it all figured out. When we see happy post after happy post, it's really easy to believe even subconsciously that everyone
that everyone's reality is that they're having a magical connected Christmas. Like, you know, imagine you're seeing 10, I don't even know, 5 % of the people that you know on Instagram that you know in real life or like 10%, whatever it is, it can feel like that's everyone. And then of course, when we see that 100 % of the 10 % of the people, I'm making up percents right now, but 100 % of the 10 % of the people are looking happy and enjoying themselves, our brain just goes, well, that's everyone, everyone but me.
and that can be really, really painful. And it's just not true because of course there are people who are feeling really connected right now and that is so beautiful. And there are also so many people, so many couples going through the hard. They're just not posting about it. Or maybe they're just posting the happy moments, which is totally okay because both things can exist. know, hard moments don't cancel out the happy, happy moments don't cancel out the hard.
All this to say, if you're experiencing a lot of the hard moments and the challenges, please know that you are truly not the only one, even if that can be what it feels like or what it looks like. I see you. I've been there in my relationship around the holidays and it was really painful. And, you know, even still, we've had arguments around the holidays. I remember last year we had an argument around the holidays and it just felt, it did, it felt so much worse. I'm having a conversation with myself in my head. It felt so much worse.
than an argument that could have happened in October, because I just wanted things to feel easy. So I see you and whatever feelings you're having right now in your marriage, about your marriage, they are so valid. They make sense if you're feeling disappointed or frustrated or disconnected or wishing that things felt so much better, that makes so much sense. And it also makes so much sense if those feelings feel even bigger than usual because of...
the pressure, the hopes, the expectations, the highlight reel around the holidays, your wishes, your dreams, all of the things. It is so valid. You're not alone in your experience either. you are not alone.
And an amazing thing, an intentional action, something that you can do right now is take a nice deep breath and validate yourself just in the way that I am validating you. It can be so helpful to just name it, to just get it out of your body and put it into words, whether that is in your head or out loud, because often we just feel it like we're in the experience, like, you know, maybe the thoughts are, I wish things would be different.
This doesn't feel good or we're feeling angry or sad or whatever those things are when we can really put words to it and Name them as feelings it it moves the energy it gets it, you know Name it to tame it that is something that it really takes power out of that feeling not that we want to just make the feeling go away the feelings important to feel but it it separates us from the feeling so if we say something like
I am feeling really sad that this is how Christmas feels right now, or this isn't how I wanted things to feel. So I feel really disappointed. It's just naming that, my goodness. It just moves the energy again. It doesn't make it go away. But there is a shift that happens there. And when you compare that with some deep breaths and just giving yourself so much love that, you know, it's OK that I feel this way. And when I say it's OK that I feel this way, I mean not having
judgment for yourself, bringing in compassion for yourself for feeling whatever you are feeling. Because when we start to pile in, you know, I should feel grateful or I shouldn't feel this way, I'm making it worse. And we actually do make that feeling bigger and bigger and bigger. So instead, we're naming it and bringing it out with love and compassion, which I think is so beautiful. So
That is what I'm going to leave you with today. And just truly, truly, truly, I see you. I am here. You are not alone in your experience. If you just need somebody to chat with, you can just shoot me an email at lindsayatlovingwithintentioncoach.com just to share your heart, share your feelings. I am so happy to just pop you an email back and just give you so much love because you are truly not alone this holiday season. And I know that it can be hard for so many reasons.
Beyond just in your marriage. So yeah, I'm just I'm just sending you so much love. I'm so grateful that you are here and I hope that you can take some moments for yourself to Validate feel those feelings name those feelings and just know that you are not alone and remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. So let's take care of us right now Thank you so much again for being here
